Sunday, March 4, 2018

Shame, guilt, and blame!

Five years ago I made myself start therapy. It was one of the hardest things to make myself do. I was encouraged by a sermon our Pastor spoke of in church. Essentially he spoke of being "ALL IN" in everything you do in life; how you serve, how you love, and how you live should reflect the love of Christ to others. I was paralyzed in my seat when he preached this. I could NEVER be ALL IN because I was filled with too many secrets and I was broken. Who wants to have to see a therapist? What will I have to do? Am I just weak? Surely I can just get through this alone and with prayer. Who in their right mind wants to voluntarily talk about sexual abuse?!

I had to!

I spent 14 months of weekly/and sometimes biweekly therapy to try and heal. My beautiful therapist and I tackled the ugly, she pulled the secrets out of me, and I came to a place where I felt successful and healthy. Don't get me wrong! That year sucked and I had to see her off and on from time to time after that year. It was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do. I was withdrawn that year, I was low-key, my self-esteem was confused, my social life slowed to a turtle speed but I was re-programming myself to let go of the intense shame, blame, and guilt.  It was like I was training my mind to re-think everything in more positive ways. Eventually I came to a great place of contentment, confidence and happiness. 

So what changed??

On Valentine's day, my husband and I were riding home together from our son's baseball game. We joked about attending a ball game as our date for Valentines. We ate popcorn and Reeces for dinner. It was awesome. We've lived in this area forever. We've traveled these road hundreds of times, but that night I was struck with intense, vivid memories of yet another memory of abuse that happened in a house that we passed on our way home. I had never remembered this incident. Why? Again? More? I internalized the stress, we made it home and I went straight to sleep. The next morning I find myself in Wal-mart trying to shop and I can't get out of the bread aisle. I'm paralyzed with fear, shame, regret, sadness and felt just downright disgusted. I had come to terms with the other offenders that my therapist and I had worked through but this just pushed me over the edge. More ugly abuse! I was targeted again! I left the store shaking and right when I got in my car, my husband happened to call me. All I could tell him was that I was not ok. I was shaking, crying and wanted to throw up. Those feelings of intense shame, disgust, blame, ANGER and guilt suffocated me yet again. In the last 19 days, I lost 10 pounds, retreated to sleeping a lot during the day, had to call in to work and eventually take a leave of absence, bad dreams returned, and the idea of looking someone in the eye made me so uneasy. Then my son drilled a hole through his thumb, my husband got a large piece of metal stuck in his eye that needed to be surgically removed, and our 13 year old dog had to be put down. No sympathy needed, just keeping it real. It's kinda been rough. 


(This is really depressing to read. I'm sorry. Each time I share a post, I feel like more of my mask is being taken off. I'm thankful for that.) Thank you for putting up with this. Much love!



Blood stains...

It's hard for me to go back and read earlier blog posts that I've written. In fact, I seldom do. With that said, I may repeat myself...