Friday, February 8, 2019

Hanging on by a thread...but hanging on!

Restlessness, uneasiness, impatience, anger, fear and sadness! That's what I went to bed with.  Then, in the middle of the night, someone started SCREAMING - blood curdling screaming. It was coming from the hall way and I was trying to figure out if I could recognize the voice. In that moment I remember thinking...lives really can change in the blink of an eye. Here I am, locked up, covering my head with my covers and holding my ears shut so I don't have to hear someones death screams. What was going on? It went on for what seemed like an hour. Then, I heard a crash -then commotion - then it was over and it got quiet again. It took me a while to go back to sleep. Once I did fall back to sleep, I found myself in the midst of my nightmares - when flashbacks happen, when faces jump out at me, when darkness does its best to take me down. If I'm lucky, I usually wake myself up by yelling out, screaming or jolting myself awake. 

I felt so gross. My hair was wild. I missed shampoo and conditioner.  No razors were allowed so...the hair on my body had not seen a razor in several days and was the longest it had been in a while. I was happy for showers here but they were always quick, the water was warm but it was always cold (due to no shower curtain), and not enjoyable. Again, I was missing the simple pleasures of life. What I wouldn't do for a long, hot bath in my big bathtub. 

It felt like 6am came super quick after my nightmares woke me up. Needless to say, I felt exhausted and had to dress and carry myself to the large room to start the day. Once in there I saw and found out what happened in the night. A new patient was brought in and was out of her mind on drugs. She was combative, noncompliant, and was placed in a seclusion room close to the nurses station until she could calm down. Well, she screamed and beat on the plexiglass window so much that she cracked it and broke it. They ended up sedating her and putting her in another special room. I couldn't help but think that she was someones daughter. God help her. 

Early in to the morning, I was told that I was being discharged today. My medical team and my therapist, who had spoken to the team over the phone, had discussed and agreed on a plan for me after discharge. I met with the Psychiatrist who went over what was expected of me in the coming weeks and I agreed to it. I WAS GOING HOME! This was my 5th day here and I was finally being discharged. 

My husband was notified, plans were made for my discharge, and my stuff was being gathered and collected. I said my goodbyes, and all of the discharge paperwork was signed. My hubby was allowed in to help me with my things and we walked outside together to the car. I took a big deep breath in, looked up at the sky and I finally was able to see where I was for the past 5 days.  It felt like the first deep breath I took in 5 days. I looked around at the building I had been in, and I saw the area I must have been brought in by the ambulance personnel. I saw the building I had spent Mother's day in and the blacked out windows. As we were backing out of the parking lot - I caught sight of the one large tree that brought me a little peace in the fenced in, smoke break area. 

My mind was busy and my mind was full.  What had gotten me here - the all-succumbing abuse memories that haunt me daily, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, my actions, the ER visit, the ambulance ride with restraints to the mental hospital, the admit, the last 5 days, the what-ifs, the shame, the guilt, the what-nows...swirling around and dominating my thoughts. Our car ride home was quiet but it sure felt good being next to my husband in my car. We didn't say much on the way home and just rode home holding each others hands. When we arrived home, my parents, kids and siblings were there to welcome me home. When I saw my boys, I cried and hugged them tight. I looked terrible and hoped that I didn't scare them half to death. If you've read my blog from the beginning you will understand this - There was a balloon at the entrance of our driveway welcoming me home. It was a balloon from the movie, Frozen - it said, "Let it go".  It was a sweet gesture (and I wish it was that easy). I hugged everyone and thanked them for the support. Mom gave me a beautiful crystal box with a butterfly on it and I had FRESH FRUIT and some sweets waiting for me. They only stayed a minute and I sadly had to remind them all that, "I may be home but I am not healed". They understood and hoped that the coming weeks would bring more healing to me. 

I retreated to the bathroom where I took a long, hot bath. I prayed for guidance, strength, and hope. I didn't feel worthy of any of it and it was really hard to even ask for anything. 

(Again, if you are reading this...Thank you! Thank you for being nonjudgemental, encouraging, and supportive. I'll say it again - This world is broken - we ALL need love and support - and God is Good.)

NO, I don't have a cigarette!!!

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