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Wednesday, January 22, 2020
A day in my head...
Alarm goes off, roll out of bed, hot shower. I convince myself that it will be a good day, that I am strong, ready to take on the challenges of the day. I put my scrub pants on. vivid reminders of how I had these same type of scrub pants on the day that I had given up. The day that I was admitted to the behavioral hospital. The day I had hurt myself. The day I had to remove my scrub pants because they had a tie string at the waist and that was a danger to my safety. The day I was brought to the locked unit and I had to wear green paper scrubs because I was a mental patient. I was so weak, I am so weak. I need to be strong. I am strong. Am I really doing better? Yes I'm doing better. Oh God, that experience at the mental hospital was a traumatic experience. Jesus. Focus Stacie, its a work day. I need to get ready for work. I look around me. I'm blessed. Truly blessed. How can I feel sad or depressed. I have all of the luxuries in the world. Get a grip, Stacie. I make a cup of coffee. yummy. Coffee taste yummy. The smell of coffee makes me think of a place where I was taken advantage of. Why didn't I stop it? I'm such an idiot. I trusted him. Stop it Stacie - more positive self talk needed. I was a kid, I didn't know any better. Still it happened. Still it was me. Still I see it. Oh the shame. It was a long time ago. Shake it off. Intimate nights with my husband are so nice but sometimes I have to push back the memories of "bad touch" and focus on his loving touch. Push them back. Damn them. This is my husband. He loves me dearly. Stop thinking about the perpetrators and their touch.
I go in to the kitchen. Good morning son, enjoy your day. Be careful driving to school - love you. I need to be strong for my boys. They deserve it. I am so proud of them and proud to be their mother. I hope I'm doing a good job. I love my family so much. Fight the memories. I drive to work. KLOVE is on the radio. I love christian music. It encourages me. Be brave. I gear up for work. I'm walking in to work. The sexual acts I was made to perform are randomly in my thoughts. How awful. I'm disgusting. I was a victim, now I'm a survivor. It wasn't my fault. There was so much of it. I'm an idiot. Oh hey, good morning. I'm asked, "you doing ok today"? I say, "yep, how about you." I put a stop to the negative thoughts. I'm loved, I'm blessed, I'm cared for. I say a little prayer. I wish I didn't have to take medicine to stabilize my mood. How do my coworkers and friends at work see me? I focus on my work. I take care of my patients. We have some laughs, I love my coworkers. I'm strong, I'm resilient. I get a patient who has depression, anxiety, and sexual trauma. I'm her nurse. I understand her. I help her. I encourage her. I feel like I made a difference for her. God did that. He's using me. Thank you Jesus. Beauty from ashes. It brings me back to my thoughts of my abuse. It's not fair. How disgusting. I'm so ashamed. Jesus, walk with me. Justice or resolution never occurred. Be strong Stacie. Forget about it right now. You are at work. I have group tomorrow. I feel like I carry a label above my head that says "abuse victim". Sharing in group about sexual abuse is so hard. You are strong, you are a survivor. Keep my dignity.
I'm scared to death to fall again to depression. It happened really fast last time. This is so hard on my family. Shame on me. Let it go. I wish I could. I need a glass of wine. I like to nap. I feel like I could use a nap. Hubby will worry when I am in bed that its more than a nap, that I'll stay there, surrender to my bed from sadness. It's unfair to him. It's just a nap. I feel confident today. My brain is just tired. I need to exercise today. Working out is a great way to release some anger. I love my gym friends. When done, I feel strong. But I'm weak...no I'm strong. I'm so lucky. We have our health, we are happily married, boys are good people. I have a dirty past. It haunts me often. I am lucky and blessed. So many people have it so much worse. I feel guilty for being anything but content and at peace. Shake it out of my head. I'm gross. No, I'm a survivor. We are fine. I am fine. Supper, hot bath, Netflix and snuggles. Sweet moments. Say prayers, pray for a good day tomorrow and hope that bad dreams from my past don't come in the night. Good night. Thank you Lord for another day.
Abuse and trauma memories never really go away. It's a challenge and a struggle. Some days are easy, some days are hard. I know plenty of you who struggle with similar hardships and are fighting too. Keep the faith. I'm praying for you.
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