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Wednesday, February 20, 2019
I'm struggling today so I thought I'd blog. I'm not sure if it's the healthy thing to do when you feel low but it's what my heart wants to do so...
I'm frustrated that I'm even feeling low. I just spent the entire weekend at a conference with amazing live christian music, surrounded by 1000's of people who love Jesus and dynamic speakers who can bring a message like no other. I came home on a high, feeling like Superwoman. Then......BAM. I became engulfed by my insecurities, my fears, my thoughts, my short-comings, my shame and my guilt. The Devil is vicious! He want's to steal, kill and destroy any and all believers in Christ. This takes me back to the day I got home from the Behavioral Health Hospital on May 15th, 2018.
I remember feeling glad to be home, glad to bathe in my big tub, glad to be surrounded by my family and glad to sleep in my bed. When morning came, I tried to do normal things and I tried to feel normal. Since I was 7 years old, unusual behavior/sexual abuse took place. It was behavior that I didn't completely understand and behavior that went on for another 5 years, occurring from several different people. When I was 12ish, it hit me like a ton of bricks that what I was experiencing was completely wrong, completely sinful and engrossed my every thought, every feeling, and left me feeling confused, ashamed and disgusted with myself. It's hard to turn those thoughts off or let those thoughts go. It's hard to not blame yourself or view yourself as anything but trash. That's how I felt, anyway.
So, together with those consuming thoughts that have existed for 38 years, add the thoughts that you had been admitted to an inpatient psych facility, feeling completely unstable, unable to work, and Lord knows what people will say about you now. It's pretty heavy.
I remember really wanting to reach out to my Pastor but was too ashamed to let him know that I had given up and didn't want to explain where I had ended up...and then there's God. How could I EVER be worthy enough to ask for His forgiveness and mercy. He has given me this beautiful life filled with everything any one could ask for on Earth and I almost throw it all away. How dare I!
I was home for a week and then I was scheduled to start a partial hospitalization program of group therapy. This was my agreement once I was discharged from the hospital. It was an 8-10 week program that dealt with all sorts of mental issues. It would be all day, 5 days a week for a while then I would go for 3 days a week. Again, my long term coping mechanism for my abuse, since I was a kid, was pretending, repressing, showing no emotion, overachieving and NEVER talking about what happened to me. I'm more of a listener (to this day) and I believe that if I did have something to say, I wasn't worthy of anyone's time. How was I ever going to talk about my struggles, fears, and abuse with a bunch of strangers in a group setting. Oh the fears! I also knew that I couldn't continue like I was. If I had to explain how I felt on the inside, I would say that the affects of sexual abuse is like a parasite. The abuse/parasite ravages your body, and slowly, over time, entangles your heart, mind and soul until it suffocates you and you feel like you are dying. You feel like you can't escape it, stop it, or control it. During all of this, you are trying to live, love, and laugh with the life you were set out to live.
The reality of all of this is that the affects of the abuse will Never go away. As survivors, we have to find ways to fight it, move on and find the strength within ourselves to keep going. The sad reality is that when I wake up, I think about it. When I am getting dressed, I think about it. When I ride in my car, I think about it. When I go to work, I think about it. When I listen to music, I think about it. When I have intimate moments, I think about it. Luckily, because I know Christ, He reminds me that I am HIS no matter the circumstance, no matter the moment, and no matter the pain. I'm not superwoman though. It's really hard sometimes.
Thanks for checking in. Thanks for reading.
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