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Tuesday, October 22, 2019
I've debated for several days whether or not to post the contents of this post. I've gone back and forth from thinking heck no to why not (somebody needs to read it).
A couple of weeks ago I received something very ordinary. This ordinary thing sent me in to a tailspin of emotions, causing my thought processes to change and brew into mostly bitterness and anger. A TRIGGER! For people with trauma, triggers can come in the form of a smell, a song, a certain touch, a place, a face, an object, a word or phrase and they can sneak up on you like a thief in the night. They are unexpected, unwanted, and usually cause some level of grief and disruption in daily life.
I retreated to my bed, hours and hours went by, I slept for days, didn't eat or drink, didn't work, didn't cook, didn't do housework and absolutely didn't want to see or speak to anyone. This went on for days. Showering was a chore and makeup or jewelry was not even a thought or desire. The shame that I carry and can manage most of the time resurfaced and had me in a neck grip so tight that I just wanted it to suffocate me. It took my voice, took my contentment, took my ability to look anyone in the eye, and it took my peace. I quickly lost weight, worried my family, and I felt completely inadequate. "I'm weak, I'm stupid, This is killing me, I'm gross, I'm losing it, I'm dying," and I didn't care. I didn't care at all. I had nausea, near vomiting, nightmares and shortness of breath. I didn't even go to church and I doubted my faith. I just felt unworthy of God's love, time and attention. I had emergency sessions with my social worker, my husband was called in and a treatment plan was made.
For years, I spent the majority of my life stuffing down my emotions and not dealing with the consequences of abuse. I avoided my feelings, never spoke of them, and acted like I was fine...until one day I wasn't. I believe stress can kill you or make you really sick. That's why I sought help after all of these years. I feel like I am in the middle of my battle right now and I have to go through it. I'm finally talking about my abuse at another level with others in group, sharing details with my Social Worker, and its at the forefront of my thoughts and actions in everything I do. It's a tough place to be.
I've confronted abusers, set new boundaries for myself, and have made a lot of forward progress. I am proud of that and I just have to keep pushing through. Apparently, there's more to surface, more to face and more to talk about.
Roadblocks are inevitable, triggers will happen and I realize there will probably be more challenging days. Today I am thankful that I don't feel like I am trapped in the abyss any longer but my heart is still heavy. My spirit is healing but still broken. I'm angry that my life is still so controlled by the awful behavior of others. I'm angry that I feel gross when I think of the past and I'm also angry that my mood is so fragile. My family doesn't deserve that. My heart is truly ready for this journey to claim more resolution so that my dignity and happiness doesn't come and go so easily.
Surely, goodness and perseverance will win, right? Keep fighting. I now realize my journey is full of spikes, ridges, thorns, and daggers as well as peace, triumph, grace and resolution. Can you say, ROLLERCOASTER!
Perhaps the Lord...
The Lord can give us victory, is able to save and rescue us through anything.
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