Saturday, March 17, 2018

Making progress...

It's been a few days since I've posted anything. I've been doing lots of soul-searching, thinking, praying and fighting off negative thoughts. 
I feel guilty when I'm not happy. I have ALL of the things that I've strived for in life - faith, love, kids, family, shelter...so why in the world would I even be sad or not content? Sooooo many people have huge struggles, bigger than this. Isn't it selfish of me to even think I have it bad? I mean, I get why, but you would think that I could overlook the bad and focus on the positive.  

I'm trying. 

Shout out to my care-givers! From my OB/GYN Dr. Kleinpeter, to my therapist, to my Psychiatrist, I can not say enough about you. As a patient, you walk in to their office feeling broken, embarrassed, weak, defeated, sad, shameful, dirty and unworthy and they put their expertise to work and go above and beyond to help you. I FINALLY feel HOPE again!  For someone who has stayed "in control while controlling her emotions" her whole life, it's very difficult for me to be vulnerable. My brother and sister helped me realize that these trained professionals should not be something you are ashamed of, it's something that you should almost be proud of. It takes a lot to surrender to their help but once you do, life changes can occur. As a christian, I believe that God has equipped them to love, care, and serve people ( I just didn't want it to be me).  So, I'm working on being proud of needing help verses ashamed of needing help. 
If you know me, I really don't cuss much at all. Well, these caregivers have heard the worst from me - lol. If one of my caregivers is reading this, thank you for the non-judgmental care that you have given me. 

I still have some work to do on letting myself be vulnerable. 

As a victim of abuse as a child, I had to wonder if I would ever talk to my kids about my experiences. I spoke with my oldest about a year ago. I wasn't ready until then. I spoke to my youngest right before I started this blog. I didn't talk details, but  I did discuss what I thought was appropriate with them. For me, it was freeing to be able to explain my hurts a little to them. Moms are tough but we are not without burdens and pain. They were such sweet boys with all of it and they continue to amaze me.  This has freed my need to pretend around them. 
I can't say enough about my husband during all of this. He has picked up the slack around here while maintaining work, the yard, and the boys. He has given me extra hugs, and also gives me space to figure things out. I know he is ready to have his wife back. I am too. 
I'm getting there. I feel like I have made a move in the right direction this week. Depression from trauma sucks - it really does. It's unpredictable and shows up out of nowhere. My meds have been tweaked and I'm hopeful that we are moving in the right direction. 
I miss my life, I miss my friends, I miss my work buddies, I miss doing pyramids and I miss feeling strong - mentally and physically (I miss you gym friends). Steady doing the work...


"Sometimes God will put a Goliath in your life, for you to find the David within you." 


Blood stains...

It's hard for me to go back and read earlier blog posts that I've written. In fact, I seldom do. With that said, I may repeat myself...