My insides are telling me it's time to blog so I'm sitting at my computer with so much to say but can't quite figure out which direction to start or go...
...since my last blog, I have been lucky enough to travel to see some of God's wonders and beauty. I felt His presence on the Pacific ocean. I was entertained with whales, dolphins, and sea lions, swimming right next to us. I witnessed beautiful sunrises and sunsets, He soothed me with rest and relaxation, and He blessed me with stress free time with my husband and friends. I even caught a 90# Marlin on my birthday. What a gift!
I also found myself high in the clouds and on a snow filled mountain top. I looked into the eyes of a mule deer and witnessed several cow elk grazing on the snow banks. Flocked trees and icicles were the landscape and breathtaking mountain ranges took my breath away. I prayed on the mountain. I prayed while snowmobiling through gorgeous National Forests and I prayed while drinking hot coffee every chance I got. It was blissful.
I guess I'm writing about this because I'm so grateful for these blessings I received on these trips. His timing was perfect and His beauty was everywhere. I will forever be thankful.
Prior to these trips, I made the decision to ask my boys to come with me to a therapy session. Let me start by saying that I have some amazing young men that I have the pleasure of raising. I wasn't sure how they would react or respond when I asked them to join me for a sit down, 1 hour, session with my social worker to talk about my abuse. The reaction I got from them was, "whatever you need us to do, Mom". WOW!! Prior to the meeting, they had some questions and my husband and I tried to ease their minds a bit. In that hour and with the help of my therapist, I tried to reassure my boys that I am ok. We touched on triggers, depression, and long term affects of trauma/abuse. We didn't discuss details of the abuse but they had valid questions about who, what, when, where, why and how. Overall, the session for me went as well as it could go when you are talking to your mostly grown children about your sexual abuse. My kids blew me away with their compassion, love, and caring nature they showed for me and also how they were able to express their concerns and thoughts in that hour. It wasn't a comfortable hour but I accomplished what I wanted to.
Today's update ~ My emotions/anger are trapped in an emotional vault that I can't find the key for. I have emotions/anger/fear but can't quite open the vault to express them. I think I'm afraid to do so because it's years of emotional energy that I've stuffed away and I don't know where it would take me. I do positive things for my mind and body. I exercise, I work hard as a nurse, I learn new things, I listen to educational pod casts, I talk and visit with friends, and I exercise my faith. I do crossword puzzles at night to keep the nightmares at bay and I feel physically healthy and happy. When weekly group therapy comes around, I can not open the vault of emotions to express myself. I was reminded that my emotional well being is 1/3 of myself. I can not tap into my emotions about this abuse and it is keeping me from being my whole self. It's so so frustrating. I need to, I have to, and I want to but I can't...yet.
God reminded me while on a boat in the Pacific Ocean and on the mountain top that He is always in control with every detail here on earth, including every part of me. Please pray that I can give up my control and trust His control for my emotional well being and my healing. If you witness me losing my cool and screaming about my abuse, please don't interrupt. Encourage me, clap for me and explain what is going on to innocent bystanders. J/K~ well, maybe I'm not.
Again, thanks for reading the words that I had to get out of my head and on to this blog. It's healing and weirdly helpful for me.
Love God~Love People,