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Monday, April 1, 2019
I've often thought, "Why in the world was I a target so many times?" Seemed like every turn I made, another predator was waiting to strike. Seriously, it's mind blowing to try and figure out. It's hard to sit back and accept. I know God didn't do this to me. I know that this world is broken, unfortunately sin driven, and warped due to free will. God didn't make us His puppets. Humans have to make decisions and choices on their own. I just happened to be around certain people who didn't make good choices at all and apparently didn't have much of a conscience. Yes, I'm bitter.
Group therapy continued with it's awkwardness and mix of hurting people trying to help and better themselves. This program had their own therapists that facilitated group and other therapists (contracted I guess) who would come in and cover certain topics. One group topic was anger and I had only skimmed the surface as to why I was there in treatment up to this point. On a particular day, the therapist asked me a question and I answered it. She then questioned me more about why I was there. I told her that I was so angry about how my sexual abuse left me feeling weak and shameful and soooo many other things. I never once looked her in the eye. I couldn't. Too much shame. I didn't want people to judge me. I didn't want people to know the ugly truth. I couldn't do it. I had been at this group facility about 3 weeks at this point. Se asked me if I could look her in the eye and talk to her. I couldn't. Then she said, "pick one person in this group and look them in the eye, if only for a second." About 3 minutes passed and I was not successful. She eventually encouraged me to keep working and moving forward in my recovery and that I would be able to do that one day. My warped brain then felt like a failure and more anger churned.
There are so many things abuse can do to you. I've been pretty passive my whole life. Abuse made me believe that what I say or my opinion on things didn't really matter. In the past, speaking up didn't get me any resolution so I retreated inward with my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Doing that only attacked my insides and I felt like I was going to implode. I was 40 years old when I started dealing and facing all of this. My boys were in 4th and 9th grade at the time. I opened up "pandora's box" and sometimes I wish I hadn't. I'm 46 now and I'm still fighting it. My boys are in 9th grade and College now. I have to believe that this journey will end with freedom. I have to believe that all of this will be used for His greater glory somehow. It's a catch 22 - not dealing with it was killing me on the inside and dealing with it feels like it's killing me (at times) as well. Just keeping it real. So much has occurred since I decided to face this with positive steps in the right direction. I'm holding on to that. There's more clarity and more insight to many things on many different levels.
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