I grew up in this close-knit, small community that has grown by leaps and bounds in the last 15 years. It's not even considered small anymore. A lot of the same people are here along with tons of new folks from all over different areas. Church fairs, school fairs, bingo nights, farm day, benefits, reunions, dances, Jambalaya festivals, and High School sports are just a few of the things that bring our community together. In a way, it's awesome!! In another sense, it totally complicates things for me. Everyone is intertwined around here. A lot of people know a lot of people. If I had to guess, a quarter of the people reading my blog know the "bad guys". I've gotten several comments about confronting my perpetrators. "Go scream at them, tell them how much they hurt you!" One comment was, "No one talks about sexual abuse because they fear that it might shatter someone's reputation and that's wrong". It IS wrong and I'm here to tell you that this is where my battle is. If I spoke of who my perpetrators were, it would affect HUNDREDS of people. I'm not here to ruin lives, complicate life, or stain reputations but that's my internal struggle. I'm protecting reputations and memories while my heart beats with bruises each and every day. These perpetrators were church goer's, held important jobs, served in the community, and were looked up to. I did confront some in the past and none were impressed or changed their behavior at all. Maybe just venting and surrendering this information on this blog will help me work through this. Again, I'm not a home-wrecker. I just need closure, healing and to not feel like I'm going crazy.
My preoccupied brain is tired and always thinking. It's just easier to try and turn off my thoughts and go to sleep...but I've learned that this only leads to depression.
I'm humbled again this week as I see both my therapist and Psychiatrist. Again, this should not be my life. Pray that peace enters my heart and I figure out the best way to deal with this ongoing stressor.
Shout out to all who are praying for me - I feel your prayers and I will never be able to thank you enough.
Joshua 1:9 ~ carry me through!
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
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