It's hard for me to go back and read earlier blog posts that I've written. In fact, I seldom do. With that said, I may repeat myself but I guess I can't worry about that. I had to get a crown today at the dentist. I hate dental work (but who really likes it). One of my coworkers jokes and says, "Well, now you are a queen because you got a crown". HA. I put in my air pods and cranked up some Christian music while the dental work was being done. I survived and now I am left with half of my face being numb for a few more hours.
I can't tell you how many times Christian music has gotten me through things. For the past several weeks, I have felt like my face after dental work. Half of me is numb, unable to function appropriately and half of me looks fine and can generate a smile. It's very deceiving, even to myself.
I took a nosedive several weeks back and fell in to a dark place. I know what did it but that's not important. I was triggered. Since then, I've been clawing my way back out. Disrespect and Anger! That's where I am. I disrespect myself. I do not value myself like I should. I still feel disgusting, shameful. I can not connect with my inner child and I do not like her. Eye contact in therapy is hard. Dignity, please come back! I've referred to myself as a "caged animal". It's like I'm locked in to never escape this, having to keep the anger in and never release it ~ because releasing it would look like something I've not seen or experienced before. I numb emotions, avoid them and end up like my face after the dentist.
Like the other side of my face, I'm fully functioning. I go to work, church, the grocery store, I volunteer, and manage my family and home. I count my blessings, I am safe, and I am loved. To me, this is the hardest part. How can I feel so sad, so broken but have all of this good stuff. I'm an oxymoron. I have learned to use the word, "AND". I have a beautiful life AND I was sexually abused for a long time. This has helped some. It can be both.
I've often been told...
"That happened a long time ago."
"The past is in the past."
"Forget about the past and focus on your life now."
This may be possible for some people but it has not proven good for me. Just like the picture says at the top of this post,
~ "Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed."-everything that picture says, I personally believe. I've tried to bandage the bleeding for so long with my own ways of trying to stop the blood, only to have it all ooze through and stain my life.
Read the picture again! It's powerful. That picture is my goal. Find strength, open your wounds, stick your hand inside, pull out the pain, release them and make peace with them. No. Easy. Task. In fact, I've gone to my therapist 5 out of 10 days recently, with a necessary session with my hubby. There is not one easy thing about dealing with sexual trauma and the scars that it leaves with you.
I recently attended a beautiful women's conference hosted by my church. I didn't want to go at first and hesitated to sign up. In fact, I waited until the last minute to sign up. I didn't want to put myself in a vulnerable position to feel any more feelings than I was already feeling.
But God...He created and provided a safe space for me that day to bring my pain, feel his presence and be surrounded by loving women who all have some type of struggle or deep wounds to heal. I left, KNOWING, that my trauma holds me back from so many things and that is not what God intended for me. So where's the magic potion or magic wand to make all the pain and trauma go away? I wish! I did make a commitment to myself to be more bold in therapy and share more of what needs to be shared. I proved to myself that I could do it and shared more last Tuesday in Group Therapy. Baby steps...
May your crown not leave your face numb. May your crown be a crown that belongs to a daughter of the King. Let's all try to wear them boldly and believe that we deserve it!