Tuesday, April 10, 2018

In my face...

So, I lied. I'm posting again. Posting gets the thoughts out of my head and on to paper. Mainly, its most beneficial to get them out of my head! As strong as my faith is, darkness and deep thoughts in my mind can still affect me to the core. 

Last week I was face to face with one of my abusers. This barely happens. It was surprising, definitely not planned, and I just had to deal with it. It's just not easy to tell myself in that moment, "deep breath, don't let it affect you, don't let it stir things up inside of you, and continue on". That IS what I tell myself but I'm not successful all of the time. I start sweating, I have palpitations, and I can only pray that I can keep it all together.  Sometimes the only thing I can pray is His name, ~Jesus~.  It's my reality though. I will always have a battle to beat. One minute, I'm living life with my sweet little family, then BAM! It's in my face somehow and somewhere. It becomes an internal battle trying to keep myself above water at that point, and not allow myself to sink back down. Right now, all of the memories are at the surface (they are not winning anymore but are always trying hard to dominate my thoughts). It's just hard when you are struck with the face of a person that brings back miserable thoughts. 

It's the same ol' story. As a matter of fact, I have probably gotten a little boring to read because it's a lot of the same thing, just different situations. I guess if you are reading this, you have chosen to continue reading and I shouldn't apologize for writing more of the same. I definitely appreciate your support. 

I had a minor procedure done last week that was outpatient and all went well. My doctor asked me what my favorite song was and he blue toothed it to the speakers in the OR. Talk about bedside manner/act of kindness/ compassion/thoughtfulness. Even if this is  his normal protocol, I was touched and relieved when I could hear my favorite song while I was being put to sleep.  When you are a nurse, it's hard being the patient. That day, I was surrounded by awesome, skilled caregivers who did small acts of kindness the whole time. Thankful:-)  All went well but I can't stop thinking about simple acts of kindness that can really make a difference in someone's life. Mine was just being asked what my favorite song was. It could be a hug, your time and attention, a coffee, just your presence, a text, or a note that could change the direction of a person's day. These have all been poured out to me and I can't tell you the difference it has made in my life in the last several weeks. There is so much good in this world - shout out to my awesome hubby who has done things out of his comfort zone, the devoted and caring caregivers, and simple acts of kindness that can change the course of someone's day - it's a shame that evil has to even exist, but it does.

I went back to work last week and had a really good, uneventful day back. I'm trying hard not to feel like the "elephant in the room". No one is making me feel that way but myself. I just see myself, still, as the nurse who needed a mental break from her norm. With that said, don't let anyone ever tell you that mental health is not important. The help I've received has made such an impact on my life that I sometimes wish I could give back by being the person to help the hurting. Like, is there a title that is something like Nurse/Social worker - I would be interested to learn more.  I get back to my regular nurse schedule this week and I'm hopeful. Seeing my dear co-workers again was medicine to my heart. May we all strive to be strong in MIND - BODY & - SPIRIT! 

NO, I don't have a cigarette!!!

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