There is a difference today with blogging. I'm feeling good, somewhat content with how things are going and I'm blogging while happy. I usually blog when I'm sad. I've been seeing my therapist weekly and I have started group therapy once a week as well. It's facilitated by her and I attend with others who have experienced similar hurts/challenges. Its super awkward, super hard, but necessary and has been beneficial to me so far. I feel like my depression is under control right now and I have been enjoying my kids, hubby, and life a bit more. AMEN!
With that said, past trauma doesn't go away. For me, its a replay of events every single day of my life. It's like a movie that I have to watch in my mind every. single. day! My movie doesn't end either. There are still so many unknowns to several situations in my "movie". There is the issue of situational denial, pretending, future struggles, triggers, distance for protection, lies, truth vs. justice, betrayal, etc. I've been in this movie my whole life but its easier to handle when the depression is under control. When the trauma and depression go together, its really tough.
Just a couple of weeks ago I was driving home from my therapy appointment and I got a call from my husband. Unfortunately he was calling to give me some bad news about an issue we had been challenged with for the past several weeks. I had to pull off the road and I parked in a parking lot to talk to him. When I hung up with him, I couldn't move. If you've ever had therapy, you know that it's pretty hard to leave a session and turn your brain off. As I'm driving home, I tend to process things discussed, work through the comments made, and prepare myself for mom/wife duties waiting for me at home - trying not to let my loved ones see me down - because therapy is HARD. It's hard to snap out of that mode. After hearing the bad news from my husband, I spent 4 hours in the parking lot of a CVS in my car, through a horrible storm, because I couldn't make myself do anything. I felt catatonic, mentally overwhelmed, and unable to move. My brain could not handle the trauma from abuse just discussed in therapy plus the bad news. I shut down. I'm sharing and confessing this for a few reasons. I'm not proud of this. I scared my husband to death and I hate that I put him through that. His thoughts were dark. The reality is that my thoughts were also dark. Life throws curveballs at you all the time and we adapt and adjust the best way we can. I am usually very good at this but this day I could not do it. I couldn't do anything for 4 hours. My brain got the best of me.
People go through things. Sometimes it's hard to understand their actions or their behaviors. You never truly know what is going on in someones life or thoughts ~ so be kind, compassionate, and strive to have a heart like Jesus.
When God showed me that it was time to make a move from the stresses and unpredictable nature of a Labor and Delivery nurse, I had to trust that my next move would somehow present itself. I have landed in a job where compassion, non-judgmental attitudes, kindness, and Grace are our specialty. I have helped people with depression, PTSD, anxiety and all kinds of abuse. I have prayed with patients, hugged patients, and walked along side them as they were being PEC'd. I have dealt with completely shut down patients, to extremely angry patients. You see, God didn't create the ugly in my life but He most certainly uses my ugly to help others with theirs. It's very rewarding to be able to help people whose struggles are personally relatable. I'm strong enough now to share and discuss this with them. It's therapeutic, rewarding, and I feel like I'm really making a difference.
If you are the praying kind, please pray that I can continue to move forward, remain obedient, tackle some upcoming challenges gracefully, and let myself be a little more vulnerable in therapy. I can't thank you enough for the support.