What can I say? The rug has been pulled out from under me. Pulled hard, fast, with dust particles flying everywhere. Will they ever settle? Seems that they won't. I'm flat on my face, rolling around, foggy, sad, sore, aggravated, and numb. Or how about a wrecking ball? It came in and took me down, knocked me stupid, crushed me, injured me, made me cry, made me angry, left me to deal with the residual effects and broken pieces.
I'm a Christian - I love people but I have hate! I'm a Christian and I am supposed to forgive but I can't. I'm a Christian - I need to find my inner strength from my faith but I don't have it. Not today anyway.
The other night I was in the same room as, made eye contact with, and NEVER expected to see, one of my abusers. I haven't seen him in years. I was not prepared for and was taken by surprise by his presence.
I need reassurance. Reassurance that these feelings will pass, that I will work through them ( again ), that I am innocent, that I did not cause this, that I am strong enough, that I should not feel guilty, that I am worthy. Conflict, conflict, conflict constantly plays ping pong in my head.
I get exhausted protecting the guilty on behalf of the innocent. It's a full time job and my defenses are wavering.
I'm angry today, I'm exhausted today, and I'm sad today. Seeing his unexpected face sparked memories of abuse and sends doses of shame through my veins like a bad drug. It takes me right back there, in the past, in the moments. You remember the surroundings, the clothes, the smells, the sounds, the expectations, the secrecy, the confusion, the words spoken - just by seeing a face. A face that brought on abuse. A face that took my innocence. A face that was so unexpected to see.
I cling to hope, to professional guidance, and to biblical truths through Pastors. The hard reality is that these flare-ups, these curveballs, these awful "surprises", punch you in the gut, leaving you breathless, speechless and worn down.
I'm thankful for this blog. I don't consider myself an articulate speaker but I do have things to say. With the use of this blog, I can get the thoughts out of my head and type them here. Thank you for the support.