I had a mouth full of worms and saturated cotton. It was so gross and so disgusting. The cotton inhibited me from talking clearly, made me gag, and what I could get out, worms proceeded my words. The worms were small and wiggly and all over my teeth, and I tried over and over again to get it all out of my mouth. As soon as I was successful getting some cleared out, more would fill my mouth. Then I woke up...
Dreams can shake you. Memories can haunt you and when they collide, its very uncomfortable. I've been having so many uncomfortable dreams lately. Dreaming about worms in my mouth is not ok.
I've concluded that the worms in my dream represent all of my abuse. I feel that no one wants to hear it, I don't want to say it, and all of it is disgusting. The cotton, on the other hand, is a way to mute me. The cotton quiets me, chokes me, gags me and keeps the secrets. It's a war that I am growing very weary of.
Speaking of war - I fight the war between good and evil in my head everyday. A while back, I studied the fruits of the spirit. I even sketched this picture of these 9 words to strive to live by and hung it in my wash room so I could see it often.
When you dream of your abusers - your abuse - run in to people from your past who have hurt you - avoid certain events for fear of triggers - always feel the need to scan rooms, always sit where you can see the door, lose sleep over deciding what is right, what is wrong, what to say, what not to say, who to share with, who not to share with, bring things up, don't bring things up - let down your guard in therapy and group therapy, hold on to your sanity, don't appear crazy when you feel crazy - pretend that you are ok for fear that no one will understand you - fake it till you make it - throw yourself in to work and family so your brain won't think of the abuse - question God over and over -- makes living by these fruits of the spirit very difficult at times. I've had to learn to give myself permission to feel hate, anger, and betrayal for healing purposes (and I need to continue to work on this). When you are a christian, that doesn't feel right. You are taught differently. It's very conflicting (hence my head war). I can also say that if I didn't strive to have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control I would be gone.
I battle with the guilt of even complaining. It's one of my biggest wars to fight within myself. My life is pretty, comfortable, surrounded by lots of love - but the repercussions of sexual abuse are strong.
I'm not even sure that I am making sense on this blog entry.
My brain is just conflicted. Can I just say that? It's constant (I can't stress this enough). Please pray for those who struggle with similar situations. It affects everything, one way or another.
God showed off yesterday by sending me a little gift - and I needed it. Bitterness was getting the best of me yesterday and I was gifted with a fluffy, sweet new life on our property. It was a sweet reminder and an example of all of the Fruits of the Spirit.