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Sunday, May 12, 2019
Happy Mother's Day 2019!
This Mother's day is a bit different than last year. I was out of commission for Mother's day in 2018 due to being inpatient. Today, I woke up to hugs, presents, and at home. I spent the day attending church and taking Mother's Day pictures for church families after church services today. Our church blesses Moms with family photos on Mother's Day (I love my church). I visited with my mom and spent a lot of time on my front porch swing listening to music and hanging out with my crew. I've received texts from beautiful friends wishing love and happiness on this special day for Mothers. It's been sweet.
Last year - I had to cancel, last minute, as one of the photographers for Mother's Day portraits for my church. Last year - I visited with my mom on Mother's day while having to sit across from her in a cold gloomy room, monitored by attendants in a behavioral health center. Finally, the worse was not seeing my boys. I was defeated, weak, and so low.
The last couple of days have been weird . It's funny how the mind works. I knew the 1 year anniversary of my "fall" was coming and my mind knew it. It certainly was a fall. I'm still not wanting to share the extent of that day on this blog- mainly because I'm ashamed of where I let myself go. For the past few days, I wanted to isolate, I have had little appetite, tension, fear, anxiety, unusual dreams, etc. I spoke of this with my therapist last week and we worked on ways to get through it..and I'm still, very much, a work in progress. I mentioned my fears with a few close friends and had their support but if I'm being honest, its been a tough couple of days. I was so thankful that I woke up in good spirits today - because I should have. It's Mother's Day and I'm in a different place now.
Yesterday, I drove to New Orleans alone to watch my son play baseball because my hubby had to work. I found myself going through every detail about my inpatient experience from start to finish in my mind. After all, this is when it all went down last year. At one point I was screaming at the top of my lungs in my car while hitting the steering wheel for God to take this burden from me! I'm so sick of it consuming my thoughts. If someone saw me while they were driving, I probably looked like a crazy person. Maybe I am crazy - lol. In one way, I'm proud of the progress that I have made. In another way, I wish I was further along in my recovery. I've got a few new assignments coming up that I hope will help me gain more progress.
I'm paraphrasing but in church today, we were asked if disappointment and anger towards God was a form of praise and worship to him. My answer was no...but the answer is yes! I was so glad to hear this. Even in our struggles with pain and anger - even screaming out in your car to Him, He is glad that we are calling out to Him to receive His comfort, grace and mercy. My mind was blown.
There were surprise blessing throughout the day today. I was blessed to hear one of my dearest friends sing, "How Great Thou Art" in service today. I was able to visit with numerous families as I was capturing their pictures for Mother's day. What an honor. Being a mom is the hardest, most demanding, most important job in the world (in my opinion). In the moments I had with them, I witnessed such love, grace, pride and happiness. I got a lot of good hugs as well.
Loving on people today was medicine to me and good for my soul. It also seemed to decrease the repetitive thoughts I have been having from last year's dive.
Cheers to a new, fresh week. Here's hoping for continued progress remaining in hope & faith!
at May 12, 2019
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