Sunday, April 28, 2019

Where's the other 60%?

My heart tells me when to blog again. I personally feel like I get cues or hints from my surroundings or from other people. As a christian, I also interpret this as the Holy Spirit leading me to speak out through this blog. Some of you may be over it. Some of you may have your own opinions on why I would write about this. Some may not even read it anymore. That's all ok. It's not required reading - lol. I do know that I continue to get confirmation that I'm doing the right thing by blogging. It's helping me and it's helping others. Since I began, readers from 10 different countries have read this blog - close to 40,000 people. I don't say this to get recognition or a pat on the back. I say this because 40,000 people feel the need to read about abuse. Close to 40,000 people feel the need to read about shame, guilt, medications, pain, depression, anxiety, therapy, psychiatry, group therapy, hospitalization and everything else hard that sexual abuse brings. There are more victims than you know. They are right here in our community and they are all over the world. Sexual abuse or any abuse is a hush-hush subject. Betrayal after betrayal after betrayal. You are scared to report it, you are threatened not to, and you bottle it up until it tries to eat you alive. 

My therapist asked me the other day, "So how are you today?" She's new to me and we are getting to know each other. I quickly had an answer. I told her, "I am about 40%." Of course she wanted me to explain and elaborate. I told her that if the old Stacie was compared to the Stacie today, I'm only about 40% today of what I use to be (me -prior to opening up Pandora's box). My heart's heavy, my brain is busy, I'm in a constant feud with myself, my relationships are strained, I'm a bit cloudy, I have to make myself do things, I'm exhausted, and on and on and on. She quietly said, "Trauma". The trauma I have endured and I'm dealing with now can be debilitating and cause all of this. I told her, "Well, I don't like it and I truly miss the old me." The old me was an actress though. I know love, compassion, gentleness, sympathy, kindness, faithfulness, joy, self-control and peace. My parent's taught me those beautiful things. Nursing is all of those things. I can deliver those to any and everyone, any day and all day - except to myself. 

My pastor prayed for me specifically the other day. It was a beautiful prayer and I'm thankful that I have him in my corner. He knows my story. Part of his prayer was that he prayed that I would "See and feel resolution on this side of Heaven". It was the first time that I pondered that thought. If I'm honest, it made me a bit sad. I may not ever see resolution like I want to "on this side of Heaven". Honestly, this crap will never go away.
He reminded me today that people forget to look at the progress they have made already. One can get so caught up wanting the final fix that you can forget all of the progress that you have already made. It took me over a year with my therapist to finally discuss details of my abuse. I bucked and squirmed and changed the subject any chance I got. Ugh.  I did it though. Progress! I need to recognize that and celebrate it!  

I kind of feel stuck right now. My homework is to figure out what needs to be done to make more progress. What would that look like? What would I need to do? 

There are humble moments everywhere. When I was in a group therapy session last summer, one of the guys in the group session looked at me and said that I looked very familiar to him. We chatted for a minute and figured out that I was the nurse that helped delivered his daughter. I didn't know how to feel with that news. I was embarrassed and ashamed by where I had ended up. It was like my credibility was destroyed and it just added fuel to my "shame fire". I've had two more occurrences like this since the summer. They are always really weird. 

Thanks for reading.  I have to give a HUGE shout out to my husband and kids. I've been all over the place with emotions, moods, and energy levels for some time now.  Hubby suffers the most. Trauma is a vicious cycle. You finally decide to deal with it, it consumes you again, your family is affected by it all, you feel guilt from that and on and on and on. 

Here's to becoming more than 40%! If you have reached out to me and you are in this unfortunate "club", please know that I am praying for you (and I will not stop). 

NO, I don't have a cigarette!!!

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