It's a new year and I haven't blogged since October. Happy New Year everyone! Cheers to 2022.
I didn't blog through the holidays simply because I wanted to keep my focus on positive vibes, family time and the true meaning of Christmas. I need to blog now.
In a past blog entry entitled "Truth Is Tricky," I wrote about someone in group who had some strong opinions about some of the things I shared. He reported that the subject matter I shared was too hard for him to hear. He shared and discussed this with our group leader. In one of the groups that followed, we had some conversation amongst the group members on how we would move forward.
Fast forward a week or two. We are in group, things are going fine and someone told a story. When stories can relate to you, you are supposed to jump in, share as well, and go from there. Well, I did that. I told the story that when I was being sexually abused, my abuser would whisper in my ear, over and over again, "I love you, I love you, I love you". (Talk about a warped sense of the word "love".) I mentioned that while the abuse and whispers were happening, someone else was also in the house just in the next room. My abuser was reckless, too confident, and ballsy. I didn't go in to any detail about the sexual act happening to me or anything like that.
The gentleman who had trouble with my subject content before, lashed out at me. His behavior became something none of us in group had ever seen before from him. He was rude, harsh, accusatory and mean. He called my story evil, vile, and something he didn't have to listen to. I eventually had to walk out. I stormed out, actually. I was shaking, unnerved, and wanted to punch the wall. You see, I've felt the need to keep my secrets for 30 plus years until I realized it was slowly killing me. Then I just wanted to die because of my secrets. The norm was never to talk about my abuse. I'm trying to learn to speak of the abuse in group therapy where it is supposedly safe, open and guided.
By this gentleman's actions, I was more or less being told to shut up (in a very rude way). Silence and secrets are so harmful. I have kept quiet for too long protecting abusers. I'm sure certain people are very thankful for this but it has paid a price on me. Being fussed at and told to stop talking that night crushed me. Anyway, after about 15 minutes of being outside of the room my therapist encouraged me to return to the group setting. She encouraged me to sit by her and tell this irate group member my feelings. It was rough. I was tired, shocked, and so confused about what we would do next. How would we move forward from here? Although he had complained before about my subject matter, he was a different level of rude that night.
Over the course of the next few weeks, he eventually decided to leave group. He is no longer a part of our group and I am so glad. I would have never trusted him again. He affected all of the members. It was a terrible, emotional, hurtful, catastrophic event that he caused. Luckily this situation was handled carefully, tactfully and professionally by my therapist for all of the members but it was so challenging. The support that she gave me was monumental in helping me process this. It's actually taken me until now to blog about this subject. I felt betrayed by a so-called trusted group member. I've been betrayed by a lot of trusted people growing up so being betrayed in therapy hurt. It knocked me down for a while.
Why do I write about this? Overcoming abuse is so hard. It takes so much energy and it's a battle. Speaking about it is even harder. There will be bumps in the road. Climb out of the potholes that you can sometimes be thrown in. Fight your way out! There will be supportive people and unsupportive people that you encounter on your journey. You WILL be challenged. In the hard times, cling to the positive supportive people, look to travel on the smooth asphalt and keep going. Keep pushing. Keep talking. Keep praying. God sees you and is with you in all of it. Find comfort in knowing that.
Pray always ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:17,