Humble Pie

  As I sit here to write this blog, I am well aware of the date. It's mid March, things are budding and blooming here in Louisiana for the upcoming Spring and Summer months. I LOVE this time of year. The drab winter of no color and cold slowly turn into lovely colors and warm springtime. Two years ago at this time, I was packing to go inpatient for Depression/PTSD treatment; packing to fly off to another state for treatment for 32 days. I mention this now because there's something about an anniversary date that affects your nerves, feelings, and mood. WHAT AN EXPERIENCE!  I learned a ton, was traumatized some too, but gained traction again on my recovery-making some breakthroughs along the way.  It's a journey, y'all. The verse that jumped out on a page of my bible to me while in Florida for treatment was Psalm 30:11-12. I was on my twin bed on my first night at the facility. I was trying to find some grounding while reading my bible. There it was... Psalm 30:11-12 You ...

  Well, hello there. I haven't blogged since June 20th, 2024 so it's been about 7 months. Happy New Year! Today I think I'll just type about random thoughts and things that go through my head. If you've experienced trauma, you know the thoughts I'm talking about. The thoughts in your head that you have to fight off daily. The thoughts that remind you of your past/trauma, the mistakes you have made, strained relationships and the negative feelings about yourself. Match that up with strong faith, a belief in a God that is always with me, bearing my burdens with me. These two things play ping pong in my head everyday.  It's a mindf*cK to have such a strong faith and also experience dark, disturbing thoughts. Why can't I shake that? I feel guilty. Sexual trauma or any sort of trauma seems to redirect your cognitive beliefs and thoughts. It changes you, wires you differently. Hold on to your faith.  My therapist and I have discussed grooming and how the perpetrat...

...continued from previous blog about inpatient hospitalization.                            I'M GOING HOME! The day of my discharge was much anticipated after being confined and regulated for 32 days. I received ALL of my belongings back, including the ones confiscated and I also got my cell phone back after not having it at all. One of the Behavioral Health Techs drove me to the Orlando airport and dropped me off at the terminal. The freedom I felt was indescribable. Every perk that the airport provided was so appreciated. I walked on my own. I bought or carried anything I wanted, I sat where I wanted, I ate what I wanted, I called who I wanted, I read my phone, and excitedly I HAD MY MUSIC BACK. I had shared in an earlier blog that I underestimated how much I would miss my music. Only MP3 players were allowed while inpatient and I didn't bring one. Christian music was everything to me. I usually got ready to it, sho...

March 20th, 2023 is the day that I was admitted inpatient last year and that date is fast approaching. I won't lie and say that I haven't been thinking about my experience there. I actually think about it daily. It was too crazy not to.  People ask me all the time, "How are you doing". My answer is usually "good".  I AM good but my real answer should be, "I wake up everyday thinking about my abuse and have to faithfully put effort in to not having it affect my day". I'd like to continue to blog about my experience from where the last blog stopped. To not be confused, you may want to read past entries.  (In a previous blog - I had a vision, after doing EMDR therapy, that my inner child was trying to get out of the container.) Once my mind saw myself (inner child) in that C-Can trying to get out, that's when the new work began. I discussed my vision with my therapist at our next session and she and I talked through how we could let that young...

  GOALS - Forgive myself! Find my voice! Be vulnerable! Inpatient experience cont... refer to the previous blogs for the beginning of my inpatient hospital experience. FYI - I  have a strong NEED to talk about my experience in person and on here.  Like my friend put it, "The experience was a WHOLE THING".  This particular blog is about one of the most therapeutic moments I had there and how it unfolded.  My cottage mates were from different places but most seemed to be from somewhere in Florida. During my 32 days inpatient, my cottage mates changed off and on as some finished the program, left the program or new pts came in. I am in no way defining these women by their diagnoses but I did want to share with you some of what we, as one cottage, were struggling with. PTSD/Trauma/sexual trauma/rape, depression, anxiety, bipolar 1and 2, Schizophrenia (different types), Meth addiction, multiple personality disorder, suicide attempts and self harm, suicidal ideation, ...

Mental Hospital Experience continues... I woke up on my first full day in high-alert mode. Tech's came in our cottage at 7:15am to wake us up and I knew breakfast started around 8am. As a nurse, I have worked with people who have been diagnosed with mental illnesses. I've been around alcoholics, drug addicts and homeless people. The difference at this facility was that I was one of them. I wasn't a nurse here. I was a patient with a mental illness, surrounded by really sick mentally ill patients. Many patients weren't regulated with meds just yet, many were manic, many were paranoid, many were detoxing, and many were angry.  I became very hypervigilant and became extremely alert, careful, and cautious. I'm use to being hypervigilant due to my trauma and cPTSD. I don't like my back to restaurant entrances (so I can always see who is entering), I like the end seat in rows (close to the aisle for easy access to exits), and I will usually scan any room first before ...