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Is there someone in your life that knows your EVERY secret? The good, bad and very ugly? I'm talking deep, dark, embarrassing, detailed ugly truth? Well, that person is my therapist. She is approaching a new season of her life that allows her to have more freedom, adventure and peace. She is moving but not retiring. She's moving to a place where only Doxy or Zoom/Teleheath will be the only option. We will no longer be able to meet in person, in her office, where ALL of my sexual abuse was talked about; where so much healing happened. I've seen her since 2018 after meeting her in a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), then an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) that I was required to complete here in town. She challenged me the most out of all of the therapists there. She helped me feel comfortable yet uncomfortable so that I could try to be brave enough to open my mouth and look someone in the eye. Her techniques caused me to cry, caused me to feel, and caused me sweat. How can that be good, you ask? Well, I was VERY comfortable staying quiet and internalizing everything that happened to me; but staying quiet proved to be very dangerous and unhealthy. I needed to be pushed, challenged to feel vulnerable, and asked to speak up. I remember an exercise that she did with our group therapy session when I was in the PHP. She asked me to pick anyone in the group and just look them in the eye. Any person. Just a quick look. My shame had me tied down and prevented me from doing this. I remember it taking several minutes for me to glance at a random girl for a millisecond. So hard; Fellow SA survivors- you know that the SHAME IS REAL. Another day she asked me to describe how I felt about my abuse. I told her it was a terrible BURDEN. Well, she put a chair in front of me and told me to talk to "BURDEN". So awkward and waaaayyyyyy out of my comfort zone. At this point in my life, no emotion had been shown towards my abuse. It was all internalized, shoved down, and the pain had been taken out on myself (which landed me in the PHP and IOP). The anger I carried toward my abuse was also very dormant somewhere deep down inside of me. To talk to "Burden" was very difficult and scary and I was afraid that my anger would surface. It also made me cry in front of the other group members. In 2018, crying meant that I was out of control and weak. Even though these things were hard for me, I found myself really wanting to stay in her groups when I was asked to go to someone else's group. Her technique/ways were breaking me open and I knew deep down that I needed that. I had avoided so much for so long. Not one second of it was easy. Once I completed the program, I began seeing her for individual sessions at the start of the next year.
She knows what my Grandfather did to me. All of it, all the years. She knows what my male cousins did to me. She knows what my Great Uncle did to me. She knows what my Uncles did to me. She knows what the old Arcade man did to me. She knows what the older twin girls did to me. ALL OF IT; details, timelines, years, reactions, difficulties, family challenges, betrayals, names! I've spent 40 years with these secrets- wondering, avoiding and stressing over what people would say or think. I am writing more specifics now because it's time to free myself! It's not my fault.
My last face to face session is today and then we will move to telehealth sessions. I have known of this transition for about 5 months but I think it has taken me this long to aaalllmmmooosssttt accept it. I'm selfishly so sad to not be able to see her in person or hug her neck occasionally. Face to face is so much better for me. It challenges me to be more vulnerable. Telehealth makes me feel like I'm cheating. It's easier to me and I need the push. Her role as my therapist has made her my voice of reason, my validator and my challenger. Karen Travis, you are one hell of a woman and LCSW. I admire you, respect you, and trust you. I truly believe that God put you in my path. You deserve all the peace, relaxation and adventure you can handle.
Shout out to mental health workers. You are all strong and amazing people who help us carry our burdens, hardships, and fears. Your minds must be so tired though. Sorry Karen, I know I brought you a lot of awful information to help me process. Appreciate you! #hopebracelet
