Saturday, March 3, 2018

Whats on the inside...

I grew up in a middle class, loving home with structure, rules, and expectations. My sister, brother and myself are all 4 years apart in age. My sister came first, then my brother, and I was the caboose.  We were given affection, taught life's precious lessons, and received lots of love. We had chores, we played games and always put family first. We had family gatherings, BBQ's, vacations, and attended church as a family. We were always taken care of and never went without any real need. We were encouraged to succeed, that "the sky is the limit" and anything we wanted to accomplish, we could! Luckily, all three of us listened and followed our dreams to be exactly what we wanted to be in life. We are a close family - leaning on each other for strength, guidance and support. My parents are great cooks, mom kept a nice clean, organized house, and Dad took pride in the yard. This part of my life is beautiful, peaceful, and happy. Still is! 

The darkness that crept in the edges, bends, and crevices of this life is what still haunts me. It's why I'm 45 and still having nightmares, on medication, seeing a therapist, and can't work right now. This should not be my life...but it is! The darkness is with you every morning when you wake up, every step you take (forward or backwards), every assignment that you get at work, every conversation that you have with people, every intimate moment with your loved ones,  and every night when you go to sleep. 

Sexual abuse can happen to anyone! It happened to me - for 5 years! From the ages of about 7 years old to about 12 years old. Several different offenders, varying in severity of abuse. I kept it secret, I told no one, and pretended like it wasn't happening. That's when my soul began its journey of suffering and went in to survival mode. Why was I a target so many times???

Jeremiah 29:11 ~ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

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