Tuesday, March 19, 2019

It lurks like a monster...

Depression is a beast! It's a thief! It's a monster! It's a vacuum! 
Abuse is long lasting! It's dirty! It's haunting! It's debilitating! 

I'm just exhausted. I'm over it, I want to be done. Both depression and abuse have stolen my joy, my energy, my stamina, and my happiness. 

I live on guard, rigid, and tense - just waiting and wondering when I will run into or see someone who hurt me - how I will handle it - and how I will process it afterwards. Yes I still see my abusers.  I attended a funeral the other day of one of my dear cousins and spent time in the same room with someone who was inappropriate with me. It's vicious! It's tiring. It changes you. It affects you. You slowly find yourself slipping, falling, and retreating to safety (isolation, quiet, sleep). 

I focus on Jesus. I read His Word. I love people. I pray for myself and I pray for others. I try and put an honest day's work in. I work to be a good wife. I strive to be the mother my boy's deserve. I truly don't know what else to do. I wish this would just go away. 

I have a new therapist. I started this week with her. She needs the back story, the whole story, my story. Re-living the details for her is like a hurricane brewing and churning inside of me and has to be spoken of again. It makes me lose touch with reality. I'm in a fog this week. I feel like my brain is in a daze and everyday chores and duties are hard again. I'm pushing through. No one can really help. I know I have support from every angle but no one can take any of it away. It will never leave. It resurfaces it's ugly face whenever it pleases with triggers ~ words, songs, places and faces. It's everywhere. When I am strong, it's a battle I fight with strength & faith. When I am weak, I am taken down and my whole life is affected. I'm so tired of it stealing my joy. IT MAKES ME SO MAD! 

Today I am writing while tired, foggy, sad and feeling defeated. I will rise. This is not a sympathy call. It's an informative entry to remind those who live with and love people who are victims of abuse and depression that it's hard. It's a daily challenge. It will never go away...and I am so tired. 


NO, I don't have a cigarette!!!

March 20th, 2023 is the day that I was admitted inpatient last year and that date is fast approaching. I won't lie and say that I haven&...