Sunday, February 16, 2020

The Underdog...


First of all, reading this blog is a choice that you get to make. You don't have to read it. Some may look at this blog as me whining or something to that nature. I choose to write it as an outlet to my jumbled thoughts and pain. After all, this subject matter is, and always has been, considered taboo. A hush hush type of trauma. A subject matter when mentioned, that has the power to silence a room and get no response for lack of any person even knowing what to say or how to respond - that happens to me in group therapy.  Anyway...






Have you seen this girl? Apparently I've lost her. She's stuck in a betrayal spiral, an anger fit, a protective mode, behind walls of shame that are so thick that it looks impossible to break out of. She is so full of fear and scared to death to rise to the surface and face reality. She's hiding. 
It wasn't supposed to happen. Her childhood was full of love, care, nurturing, fun, and excitement. She was cherished by her parents, her sister, her brother, her teachers, her friends - but her childhood was also burdened by sin, abuse and pain. She was introduced to the meaning of secrecy like no other. She mastered pretending, was a "good girl", but continued to be abused. So much so that it became what she expected. The norm. By trusted people. How screwed up is that? Yes, she is a kid. Yes, it was a long time ago but YES she is still lost and suffering. 

The honest truth of it all is that I need to reconnect with this little girl, to nurture her. Weird huh - that's why it hasn't happened yet. I should feel sorry for her. I should want to set her free. My view of her right now is that she is the cause of me being stuck. She should have known better and just left the room when the abuse started. She should have told her abusers to STOP! I'm mad at her. She is needing something from me that I don't know how to give yet.  

I told you it was weird and I don't like weird. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around this concept of reconnecting with her. 

People who care about me check on me. They love me and ask me how I'm doing. I honestly don't know what I would do without these beautiful people in my life.  I'm day-to-day. I have a good stint of strength, positive movement forward and then I'm faced with something like an abuser's face from the past, right in front of me without warning. That's when the frightened, scared little girl inside of me resurfaces and causes disarray in my life, reacting like a child would. There's isolation, too much sleep, too little sleep, numbness, no appetite, weight loss, tears, no motivation, silence, negative behaviors, and lack of self care with self sabotage kicking in and taking over - all the while I know that the adult me needs to do better. "Get up and take care of your family!" "Now you are only hurting the people you love!" It's a seesaw of emotions fueled, again, by shame. Shame is like a nasty serpent. I'm ready to kill the son-of-a-bitch. The sexual abuse from the past is not over! Now it's affecting and haunting the family that I created, that I love. This causes anger - never released -which I'm too afraid to release. 

The most challenging thing is to get back up again. Take a shower, do laundry, clean your house, go to work, be productive, make small talk, laugh with friends. You know, beautiful life stuff. If you see me soon I'll be doing something similar to this. Just like the other people who suffer battles we don't even know about. Battles similar to this. I don't want to pretend anymore. Pretending happens less for me but let's be honest - who wants to be around someone who is depressed and sad. I might pretend a little bit. There's also a misconception of a quick bounce-back. It doesn't work like that (not for me, anyway).  It's a process. I'm blessed with a husband who has repeatedly said to me that he is not going anywhere. Praise Jesus for his love and dedication to me and our marriage and our family! It's NO fun for him when crisis hits and our life is different for a while.  

Shout out to the survivors of abuse. 
Talk to your children about good touch vs. bad touch
Believe them when they find the strength to confide in you. 
Take action. 
Fight for them!














3 comments:

  1. Your truth is also shared by many others. Others who have yet to come to grips with their past selves. Others who may still be blind the knowledge of their pasts. It is extremely brave to open up and share all the emotions that you still have yet to fully process. I am thankful for women like you who open up and share as they are still figuring it all out. I too am still figuring it all out. Writing it down allows for reflection, and also allows growth. Amen.

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  2. https://twitter.com/onlyirisgardner/status/985965213642977281?s=19

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  3. I know how important it is to get this stuff out. Whether it’s by writing, talking, screaming, crying, etc. If this helps you then you do it til YOU decide to stop. I know it is helping so many who have been thru the same and still have yet to find the courage to face it. And just know God is working in your heart, mind, and spirit. Even when I can’t feel it Your working! Love you!

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Blood stains...

It's hard for me to go back and read earlier blog posts that I've written. In fact, I seldom do. With that said, I may repeat myself...