Wednesday, June 24, 2020

Closed for repairs...

This blog - my perspective - my views - my pain - my suffering - my outlet - and STILL, I can't completely be forthcoming and honest with this whole, ugly situation. 

Secrets - It's what got me here. It's what keeps me here. 
Sacrifices - what I feel like I'm doing or maybe what I actually am.

Denial - What some people stay in to cope. Causes pain to others; the untruth that's maybe too ugly to face. 

Silence - protection, fear, keeping some in a fixed position.

When my abuse began when I was very young, I never would have thought that it would affect so much - becoming so intertwined in so many facets of my soul and life. I often wonder how my cognitive thinking would be, my trust levels, my freedom to feel my emotions, and my ability to express myself would be if I wasn't so conflicted in the innermost places of myself. 

I'm sick of the abuse making me feel inadequate as a christian, a wife, a mother, a sister and a friend. Again, my perspective. I've worked hard to find a "happy place" to exist in. I'm doing the therapy, I'm praying for healing, I'm taking the meds, I'm getting up everyday, I'm showing up to work, and I'm investing in my relationships. 

Then a bomb! A reminder of dysfunction. A reminder of secrets and withholding of truth that began so many years ago. Denial. Escalation of sin. So much of it. This bomb causes fibers of past hurt, abuse, and secrets that are intertwined in the deepest places of me to begin to swell up inside of me and knock me off of my axis; to the point of instability. This is where I'm expected to just keep going and not feel any guilt. "She's strong, she's faithful, she's gonna be fine. She'll get through this. She needs time to process." Nothing changes though. Secrets remain. Denial exists and we dare not talk about it. Its a domino effect that doesn't stop stripping people of their happiness, relationships and frame of mind.

Sexual abuse is the "gift" that keeps on giving. Its EXHAUSTING.

I'm SO angry now. You won't see it because I've mastered the art of pretending, or showing no emotion. I can't feel things normally anyway. My heart and my brain are not connected properly. Abuse does that. Keeping secrets does that.  Past the anger, my brain is conflicted to the point of not really giving a damn about certain things. 

A goal of mine is to be authentic. I have succeeded in doing that with only my boys. God has seen to it that I remain open, honest and loving to them. This is my saving grace and they are my heart. The rest of the world sees a partial picture of me. I don't know if it doesn't feel safe for me to show myself or I've conditioned myself, out of obligation, to appear one way and feel another. It's hard right now. It's confusing right now. It's painful right now. 

Again, my perspective.

"I write because it makes me feel like someone's listening - or am I finally listening to myself" - author unknown.

1 comment:

  1. In New Jersey — which spearheaded the overturning of PASPA and is continually battling with Nevada and New York because the highest-grossing state in sports betting dollars — 60 p.c of all bets are placed on cellphones. In most different states with unrestricted mobile betting, mobile bets make up between 70 p.c and 90 p.c of all bets placed, and between 50 p.c to eighty five p.c of them lose, stated Nower. But in contrast with different forms of gambling, like slots or desk games, sports bettors tend to start out|to begin} youthful, Fong stated, and develop addictive gambling behaviors 카지노 사이트 much faster. In 2018, all eyes had been on the NFL — “the big one” of America’s four greatest sports leagues — to see how it might integrate sports betting advertisements, stated Adam Armbruster, a associate with ESA & Company who specializes in TV ad consulting. And unsurprisingly, he added, the league has turn out to be essentially the most profitable and dominant in the American sports betting area. In distinction, BetMGM, FanDuel and DraftKings have spent over $160 million on campaigns in help of Proposition 27, which might legalize mobile sports betting in the state.


Is that who I think it is?

  GOALS - Forgive myself! Find my voice! Be vulnerable! Inpatient experience cont... refer to the previous blogs for the beginning of my inp...