Humble Pie

...continued from previous blog about inpatient hospitalization.                            I'M GOING HOME! The day of my discharge was much anticipated after being confined and regulated for 32 days. I received ALL of my belongings back, including the ones confiscated and I also got my cell phone back after not having it at all. One of the Behavioral Health Techs drove me to the Orlando airport and dropped me off at the terminal. The freedom I felt was indescribable. Every perk that the airport provided was so appreciated. I walked on my own. I bought or carried anything I wanted, I sat where I wanted, I ate what I wanted, I called who I wanted, I read my phone, and excitedly I HAD MY MUSIC BACK. I had shared in an earlier blog that I underestimated how much I would miss my music. Only MP3 players were allowed while inpatient and I didn't bring one. Christian music was everything to me. I usually got ready to it, sho...

March 20th, 2023 is the day that I was admitted inpatient last year and that date is fast approaching. I won't lie and say that I haven't been thinking about my experience there. I actually think about it daily. It was too crazy not to.  People ask me all the time, "How are you doing". My answer is usually "good".  I AM good but my real answer should be, "I wake up everyday thinking about my abuse and have to faithfully put effort in to not having it affect my day". I'd like to continue to blog about my experience from where the last blog stopped. To not be confused, you may want to read past entries.  (In a previous blog - I had a vision, after doing EMDR therapy, that my inner child was trying to get out of the container.) Once my mind saw myself (inner child) in that C-Can trying to get out, that's when the new work began. I discussed my vision with my therapist at our next session and she and I talked through how we could let that young...

  GOALS - Forgive myself! Find my voice! Be vulnerable! Inpatient experience cont... refer to the previous blogs for the beginning of my inpatient hospital experience. FYI - I  have a strong NEED to talk about my experience in person and on here.  Like my friend put it, "The experience was a WHOLE THING".  This particular blog is about one of the most therapeutic moments I had there and how it unfolded.  My cottage mates were from different places but most seemed to be from somewhere in Florida. During my 32 days inpatient, my cottage mates changed off and on as some finished the program, left the program or new pts came in. I am in no way defining these women by their diagnoses but I did want to share with you some of what we, as one cottage, were struggling with. PTSD/Trauma/sexual trauma/rape, depression, anxiety, bipolar 1and 2, Schizophrenia (different types), Meth addiction, multiple personality disorder, suicide attempts and self harm, suicidal ideation, ...

Mental Hospital Experience continues... I woke up on my first full day in high-alert mode. Tech's came in our cottage at 7:15am to wake us up and I knew breakfast started around 8am. As a nurse, I have worked with people who have been diagnosed with mental illnesses. I've been around alcoholics, drug addicts and homeless people. The difference at this facility was that I was one of them. I wasn't a nurse here. I was a patient with a mental illness, surrounded by really sick mentally ill patients. Many patients weren't regulated with meds just yet, many were manic, many were paranoid, many were detoxing, and many were angry.  I became very hypervigilant and became extremely alert, careful, and cautious. I'm use to being hypervigilant due to my trauma and cPTSD. I don't like my back to restaurant entrances (so I can always see who is entering), I like the end seat in rows (close to the aisle for easy access to exits), and I will usually scan any room first before ...

Let me just say it...I recently spent a month in an inpatient mental health treatment facility in Florida. This facility was both a Drug Rehab/Mental Health treatment center. I was there from March 20th to April 20th.    Now, let me tell you WHY I want to disclose this...because God did a work in me while I was there and I want the world to know about it. There's SO much to say about my experience! Let me start by saying that May is Mental Health Awareness month so now is the perfect time to share my story. I am diagnosed with cPTSD, Major Depressive disorder and anxiety. Back in February, my therapist mentioned to me about inpatient treatment options. She mentioned this to me because I confessed to her that I was struggling with feeling stuck. What I was really dealing with was my hard headedness, fear, and avoidance. Lots of mental health work has been done on my abuse but I had a few really important things to work out and deal with. I explained to her that it would take me...

I did a thing. I did a thing on January 17th and I've been collecting, retrieving and picking up my dignity ever since.  Back in the fall of 2022, I was talking to my Social Worker about this blog. I've kept BIG secrets my whole life and absolutely use this blog to write my feelings down, share them, and hopefully encourage someone else going through similar situations. Well, even in this blog, I feel like I can't disclose the whole truth- ever. First of all, the whole truth is disgusting and not something most people want to even read. With that said, my BIG secrets are like a poison to my body that I've tried to fight off for about 38 years. My SW presented an idea to me. She encouraged me to write a blog that was unfiltered. She knew I wouldn't want to publish it, but she wanted me to write it in a notebook and maybe bring it to Group therapy to be able to share it and speak my truth - UNFILTERED.  I stewed about this idea for about 8 wks. In the middle of those ...

It's hard for me to go back and read earlier blog posts that I've written. In fact, I seldom do. With that said, I may repeat myself but I guess I can't worry about that. I had to get a crown today at the dentist. I hate dental work (but who really likes it). One of my coworkers jokes and says, "Well, now you are a queen because you got a crown". HA. I put in my air pods and cranked up some Christian music while the dental work was being done. I survived and now I am left with half of my face being numb for a few more hours. I can't tell you how many times Christian music has gotten me through things. For the past several weeks, I have felt like my face after dental work. Half of me is numb, unable to function appropriately and half of me looks fine and can generate a smile. It's very deceiving, even to myself. I took a nosedive several weeks back and fell in to a dark place. I know what did it but that's not important. I was triggered. Since then, I...

  I made a comment in therapy a few weeks ago that has really stuck with me. I said, "the 10 year old me was an idiot".  I always struggle with guilt and blame when I actually allow myself to deeply think about my abuse. How can one human child be the victim of abuse at almost every turn she made without having something to do with it? I was raised in a loving, stable home with my parents, brother and sister. My parents loved us deeply, supported us, nurtured us, cared for us and provided us with everything we needed. It was pretty. Still is.  On the flip side of that, I was in contact with people growing up, who I should have been able to trust, and who my parents thought they could trust.   I've shared before, on a previous blog, that I had multiple offenders. My best recollection of when the abuse started was age 7 and the sexual abuse continued for years until I was 12. When I think of how long it went on and how many people took advantage of me, I get nause...

It's a new year and I haven't blogged since October. Happy New Year everyone! Cheers to 2022.  I didn't blog through the holidays simply because I wanted to keep my focus on positive vibes, family time and the true meaning of Christmas.  I need to blog now.  In a past blog entry entitled "Truth Is Tricky," I wrote about someone in group who had some strong opinions about some of the things I shared. He reported that the subject matter I shared was too hard for him to hear. He shared and discussed this with our group leader. In one of the groups that followed, we had some conversation amongst the group members on how we would move forward.  Fast forward a week or two. We are in group, things are going fine and someone told a story. When stories can relate to you, you are supposed to jump in, share as well, and go from there. Well, I did that. I told the story that when I was being sexually abused, my abuser would whisper in my ear, over and over again, "I love...

Back in June, I was approached by my church about making a video that would eventually be shown during church service and then shared through Social Media outlets.  There was an upcoming sermon series on "This is Me" and how God changes stories. These videos would be played to support that. I was asked to share my story. A couple of years ago, I made a promise to God that if I were ever asked to share my experience and story, that I would say YES! I owed it to HIM to show how He has made beauty from ashes; how He has taken something like abuse and transformed it into something good...Faith/relationship with HIM. So I said yes. The truth - I didn't want to do it. I had extreme anxiety about it. Even though I blog, a video was different and exposure would be vast. I lost sleep over it. I lost weight over it and I didn't want to be a hypocrite. I was not in a good head space when I filmed it. I spoke all truth in the video but this journey is hard. There's ups and do...

   It's 3:45 am on a Sunday morning and I can't sleep. I'm sitting quietly alone at my computer with my dog laying to my right and my cat to my left. I made a cup of coffee and its nice and warm on my desk. My surroundings are peaceful but my insides are not.  Life is "funny" sometimes. For about 2 years now, I have been attending group therapy on Tuesday nights. My group is made up of 9 people and a therapist. We are a variety of ages and we all bring different issues to the group. It's like the movies portray it. We sit in a circle and talk about our problems while hoping to get feedback, and guided direction. Group can serve as a sounding board, provide encouragement, and the group can help carry your burdens. From the beginning, I have been anxious every time I step in to group. I know what I'm there for. I'm there to talk about my sexual abuse. For me, it's a slow process. I've spent most of my time in group talking around my subject, disc...