If I'm going to continue to be honest, I have to admit that I'm still struggling. I don't expect complete peace with my situation or complete freedom. I do expect Christ to be by my side as I strive for these things but I just believe that my past, and the memories from it, are as much a part of me as my DNA is. This makes me sad. Do I have to wait till I get to Heaven to have true peace?
People ask me, "how are you doing?" I want to be able to say, "GREAT"! The truth ~ I'm not. I should be great but I'm just "OK". This is the frustrating part about all of this. My faith is strong, my family is beautiful, my home is comfortable, my job is fulfilling, and I'm surrounded by love. We have life's normal struggles but life is sweet. I feel so guilty that I'm not able to look past the abuse and depression and just move on. Am I ok? YES! Have I been better? YES!
I feel like God is taking me all apart, shuffling things around, and reassembling me. I've felt this way since I started therapy 5 years ago but honestly, it feels like God is working overtime right now. This is obviously a long process and one I am becoming impatient with. I haven't dealt with this well lately. I've made a few poor choices and that brings the guilty feelings again - the self doubt - lack of self worth. It's like Satan is attacking.
Again, I don't pretend to have it worse than anyone. I don't expect anything from this post but the freeing of the thoughts in my head to this blog. I'm aggravated that I'm complaining/venting today but the struggle is real - lol. The nightmares are back. I woke up last night from a dream and I was kicking the air and yelling to escape someone. The anger and feelings of being controlled again overwhelm me - which affect my wife and mom skills. Ugh. It's a vicious cycle.
My heart trusts God's plan but my head feels like it's not working sometimes. I'm impatient. I want to be able to respond to someone who asks me how I'm doing with a true, heartfelt - GREAT! I want to be high on life with less distractions from my past. I don't want to feel depressed and wonder every morning if I'm going to feel like myself when I wake up.
Anyway, as depressing as this post is (and I apologize), it's always helpful to me. I have had good days throughout this journey - days filled with feeling good, laughs, rest, and fun. I appreciate those days!!
As always, thanks for the support!
God's got this!!!
Monday, May 7, 2018
If I'm honest...
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