Humble Pie

Presently, I have good days and bad days and I have way more good days than bad -  I'm thankful.  For some reason, this weekend was filled with intense dreams of my perpetrators faces placed in different scenes of my present life. The nightmares are exhausting. It's awful to wake your spouse up by shouting out in your sleep. I'm in my head a lot so it's time to vent a bit... End of May, 2018 A week had passed being at home since my discharge from inpatient treatment and it was time to face Group Therapy. I was scheduled to be assessed and oriented on a Monday.  I was so nervous and so anxious about what would be expected of me. This facility is located in Baton Rouge and I had passed it a million times in my life but never even noticed it. I parked in the wrong lot, grabbed my purse and walked to the office. I immediately started sweating. I entered and was welcomed and I was taken to a private office where a social worker and I had a conversation about why...

I'm struggling today so I thought I'd blog. I'm not sure if it's the healthy thing to do when you feel low but it's what my heart wants to do so... I'm frustrated that I'm even feeling low. I just spent the entire weekend at a conference with amazing live christian music, surrounded by 1000's of people who love Jesus and dynamic speakers who can bring a message like no other. I came home on a high, feeling like Superwoman. Then......BAM. I became engulfed by my insecurities, my fears, my thoughts, my short-comings, my shame and my guilt. The Devil is vicious! He want's to steal, kill and destroy any and all believers in Christ. This takes me back to the day I got home from the Behavioral Health Hospital on May 15th, 2018. I remember feeling glad to be home, glad to bathe in my big tub, glad to be surrounded by my family and glad to sleep in my bed. When morning came, I tried to do normal things and I tried to feel normal. Since I was 7 years ...

Restlessness, uneasiness, impatience, anger, fear and sadness! That's what I went to bed with.  Then, in the middle of the night, someone started SCREAMING - blood curdling screaming. It was coming from the hall way and I was trying to figure out if I could recognize the voice. In that moment I remember thinking...lives really can change in the blink of an eye. Here I am, locked up, covering my head with my covers and holding my ears shut so I don't have to hear someones death screams. What was going on? It went on for what seemed like an hour. Then, I heard a crash -then commotion - then it was over and it got quiet again. It took me a while to go back to sleep. Once I did fall back to sleep, I found myself in the midst of my nightmares - when flashbacks happen, when faces jump out at me, when darkness does its best to take me down. If I'm lucky, I usually wake myself up by yelling out, screaming or jolting myself awake.  I felt so gross. My hair was wild. I mi...

Monday - Inpatient Day 4  New day, same routine...but I was getting very antsy. My perspective was that I was not detoxing like most of the others who needed to be here for several days to fully detox and have 24/7 medication care. I was here, getting the same med I was on when I got here, going through the motions, and just doing what I was told. You weren't required to go to groups or meetings that they conducted but it looked good on your chart when the medical team discussed your case and discharge options. I attended them all, tried to participate a little, and get through the day.  I knew I wasn't healed, needed continued care but felt like I was only going through the motions here. That was my perspective anyway. I asked if I could sign myself out since my 72 hours were up and was told that it was not possible for me to do that. I was told that since I was PEC'd, signing yourself out was not an option. That was only an option to people who checked their own selves...

(May 13th - Mother's Day) I went to bed knowing that when I woke up the next morning, the realization that I was in a Psych hospital for Mother's day would be almost too much to handle. Major Depression and PTSD had taken over my life - caused by abuse inflicted on me. I wouldn't see my boys today. How would I really explain it or make it up to them? What are they thinking right now? I've always taken pride in trying to be the best mother I could be. Has this hospitalization zapped everything that I strived to be for them? Has everything that I have ever taught them been discredited? That's where my brain was...and it was Sunday - I was supposed to be getting ready to go to church, to sing, worship, and hear a message from the Lord. I was woken up at 6am again with the same routine as yesterday -  Large room, coffee, breakfast, vitals, outside smoke time and meds. There wasn't a whole lot planned on the schedule today due to it being Sunday. I trie...

(May 12th, 2018) I was awakened at 6am by a nursing assistant knocking and opening my door. I was told to get up and report to the large room with the tables and TV. When I got there, I was called out of that room to have my blood drawn. I remember feeling like a robot. Get up, go here, do this, go there - I had no emotion. I felt hollow, empty. I've tucked my emotions for so long that I still can't regulate them. I returned to the large room and started to get a glimpse of who my fellow patients were. Some had been here a few days so they had already formed relationships with other patients. Some sat alone. Some were very talkative. Some were super loud. Some had their heads down on the table sleeping. Some were yelling for coffee. I remember sitting at the table by myself, again robot-like, and someone came over and told me hello. I appreciated that. Anyone who was here as a patient was obviously not having the best go at life right now and this was reflected by appe...

I want to start out by saying that I am writing this for healing. I am writing this so I can continue to move forward in my recovery. I want to help others with similar stories as mine. You do not have to read this. I am not looking for sympathy. My identity is found in Christ. He loves me no matter what and He wants me to heal. My faith is real! That's why I write this blog. (May 11th, 2018) It was dark and the ambulance took me from OLOL to somewhere across town. I couldn't see out and I had no idea as to where I was going. I remember having extreme sadness and sparks of anger during the ride. My beautiful life -my boys - my husband - my family - my church - my friends - my job ...and I am on my way to a mental hospital because I had given up - and I'm in restraints. I'm heading there because what was done to me has caused me too much pain, caused me to completely shut down, to give up, and I had zero respect for myself.  I was extremely shameful of my ...