Scrambled Eggs and Ping Pong!

                                                     

What's the dialogue or reel in your head? I've been more consumed with my head dialogue lately. I woke myself up kicking and screaming from a nightmare the other day. The nightmare was about abuse. The kicking and screaming was me fighting back. I sat up with my heart beating so fast and I had to catch my breath.  I heard my husband telling me that it was only a dream and that he wouldn't let anyone get me and that I was OK. When I finally fell back to sleep, my work alarm went off about two hours later. Still shaken from the nightmare, I prepared for work and headed out. 

Your past has a funny way of sneaking up on you.  There could be a smell, a song, a word, a place, or a person that can open up "Pandora's box of abuse" again. Typically you are blindsided by it. It causes spiraling thoughts that take lots of conscious creativity to settle them back down.

My thoughts and my ping pong brain...

I've done so much therapy work.

Is it even working? Of course its working.

Look how much you've accomplished and have done. Why does it still hurt?

Doesn't seem to matter sometimes. My mind goes back to it like it was yesterday.

I couldn't even say sexual abuse when I began therapy. I've come so far.

Songs by Merle Haggard give me the creeps. 

Why am I so closed off and private?

Can I trust that person? It's hard to trust.

Maybe I could ask someone to lunch and really talk about the hard things. No one wants to hear that! Why would that be acceptable lunch conversation. Don't be so dumb!

My patient has sexual abuse history. Stay focused. You are her nurse. Put your feelings aside. Your patient needs you. Her abuser went to prison. I feel like all of mine got away with it. Stay professional and calm. Be there for her. 

I'm sad today and the weight of my abuse is heavy. Perk up for the hubby. This shouldn't affect your marriage over and over again. He deserves a strong and happy wife. 

I set firm boundaries because my boundaries were violated. Boundaries are necessary but they can be lonely. I wonder what the family thinks? Things got so messed up.  I wish I could extract the memories in my head and throw them away and get rid of that part of me.

How could I have depression with the type of pretty life that I live today. I feel guilty. You should feel guilty. No, you shouldn't.

My head feels so heavy today.

What do you have for breakfast? I have a cup of coffee with Lexapro and Wellbutrin. I hate that I have to rely on meds to keep me regulated. Would I have had to take antidepressants if abuse never occurred? I'll never know.

It felt like it occurred every time I turned around. They say it's not my fault and deep down I do believe that but why so much of it. Did I do anything to ask for it? No I didn't do anything to ask for it. Did the people in the family target me together? Did they learn from each other? Was I a brat? Was I an idiot? What's wrong with people that take advantage of young children. 

Do I have a label on my head? Do people respect me? Am I known as the abused one? Stand up straight. Hold your head high! Put that shame away.

I do not like to return to where the abuse took place. Why would I want to put myself through that. 

I need a Xanax. 

I'm having such a great day today.

Being hypervigilant is exhausting. I don't like surprises from the past.

I'm so thankful for Christian music and my air pods. I didn't have my music when I went Inpatient. Oh gosh, that inpatient experience was something. I'll never forget that experience. 

I need to take a walk. I need to decompress. I need alone-time. I might need to lay on the floor. People are talking too loud. I'm getting over stimulated. Why am I like this? I am fine. You just like peace and calmness now. Deep breaths. Am I crazy?

People are getting on my nerves. Am I just tired? I want to talk to Karen (my Therapist). She will understand. She knows the entire story and I can vent to her. She will validate my feelings. Oh my gosh, I don't talk to her for another week. Should I call her? No, don't call her. 

If I wear these leggings today, will people think that I am advertising myself? Did I do that as a child - advertise myself? No I didn't do that as a child. I was just a child. Everybody wears leggings! Am I afraid to come across as sexual? Have I been brainwashed? What's wrong with me? Wear the leggings!!

I need to exercise. The workouts are so hard. Working out helps my mental health so much. I'm so glad I worked out. You are weak. No, I'm strong.

I need to take a walk and pray. I love my church. I love you, God. I can't imagine not having my faith. Are you sure you died for me too? Me? Yes you died for me too.

Healing is such a commitment. I'm worth it. Am I worth it? Lord, help me somehow use this ugliness to help build your kingdom. 

My brain feels like scrambled eggs sometimes. Due to trauma, my brain seems to contradict truth. I'm exhausted. Keep going...

I trust you, Lord. Why so much abuse, Lord? How long will I have to heal? Why am I not more at peace with it all yet? Thank you for your comfort, closeness, and compassion through all of this. 

Heavenly Father, be with me even in this mind scramble and chaos! Please carry me each and every day so that I can learn to see through your eyes. in the messiness, help me to be a light to others in whatever way you need. I trust you.

Stacie