Is it gonna hurt?

    

    I've always thought of my deep rooted trauma as something I carried around in a box within me. It was there, private, ignored, safe, closed, nailed, glued, and slammed shut. Was I going to open it? Heck no...until I had to.

Keeping those secrets hidden had begun to affect my body, mind and spirit. I remember being at work when I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety, fear, and grief. I couldn't do my work duties anymore. I wanted to hide, cry, and leave. I couldn't concentrate. Instead, I chose self harm and told my boss I needed to leave. This explosion happened in 2018. It was an explosion of my life, my career, and my sanity. After a PEC stent and 8 wks of a Partial Hospitalization Program, I walked out with some tools, plenty group therapy lessons, and a plan forward. 

The BOX, the BOX with the trauma in it...had to be fully opened. 

For me, therapy (for a LONG time) was the therapist, my seat, and my imaginary internal trauma box. Lets talk about my seat in therapy. It was always a couch, same spot each week, and I needed some distance from the therapist. Most times, I put a pillow on my lap. Weird? Maybe. Protection? I don't know. My nervous energy came out in the form of SWEAT, foot shaking, picking on my clothes, crossing my arms tight, leg bouncing, biting my nails, and turning my wedding ring around and around on my finger. I need to talk about the abuse, I need to talk about the abuse. Maybe I will peek in the box today? Changed my mind. My therapist will think I'm gross! Ugh!

My head was saying...I can say it! I CAN'T say that! Do I use the proper scientific words? Slang? Is my time up? Is my therapist looking at me? Eye contact is totally out of the question! I am going to tear my jeans if I keep pulling on them. It's hot in here! Quit acting like this. Calm down. What is wrong with you? This silence is killing me. Is she still looking at me? 

I trust her. She will not judge me. Before I confess something I say, "please don't judge me". I'll tell her this detail but I'm NOT gonna tell her that detail! I won't tell ANYONE that! Times up, close the box, nail it shut and schedule to return next week. Try to forget about the info in the box and switch to wife and mom until you are in the "hot seat" again. Over the years, the hot seat became a luke warm seat, to a cool, safe seat to sit on. My pillow in front of me was no longer needed and I don't fidget as much while in therapy (Side note- I am sweating right now because I am typing this). The anxiety never really goes away but it's important to open the box, keep it open, and clean out its contents. 

How long will it take? Unsure. For me, it's taken quite some time with some big bumps in the road. There are so many factors that affect your speed to freedom. I feel like I went at a snail's pace. Looking back, that snail's pace was necessary for me. Opening that trauma box paralyzed me at times, petrified me other times and freed me as well. The contents in that box broke me, devastated me, and  disgusted me. It also strengthened me, built me, and molded me in to who I am today. 

Is it all better? Nope. Is it much better? Yep. Do I still think about it everyday? Yep. Do I have less bad days? Yep. Am I stronger? Yep. Do I still need support? Yep, it's healthy.

I have gone from feeling like a disgusting, unworthy little girl who blamed herself to a woman who can embrace the little girl now. Do I still question things? Yep. Do I still need therapy? Yep.

BUT, I can speak to how therapy has helped me; transformed me into someone who can at least write this to encourage someone. I don't have all of the answers, but I have a heart that understands the sexual abuse trauma journey. 

As a nurse we are often asked, "Is it gonna hurt"? I will not lie to you. If you were to ask me, "will facing my sexual trauma hurt"? The answer is wholeheartedly YES. Is it worth it? The answer is also YES.

God did not intend for you to carry this burden alone. He also want's you to shed the burden of abuse so that you can become who you are meant to be in Him. 

I hope this encourages someone to take the next step. Whatever that may be for you. Open the box...

Much love,

Stacie