Humble Pie

                                                 My insides are telling me it's time to blog so I'm sitting at my computer with so much to say but can't quite figure out which direction to start or go... ...since my last blog, I have been lucky enough to travel to see some of God's wonders and beauty. I felt His presence on the Pacific ocean. I was entertained with whales, dolphins, and sea lions, swimming right next to us. I witnessed beautiful sunrises and sunsets, He soothed me with rest and relaxation, and He blessed me with stress free time with my husband and friends. I even caught a 90# Marlin on my birthday. What a gift!  I also found myself high in the clouds and on a snow filled mountain top. I looked into the eyes of a mule deer and witnessed several cow elk grazing on the snow banks. Flocked trees and icicles were the landscape and breathtaking mo...

Hey girl, what have you been up to?  That was the question I was asked the other day by a sweet friend who I haven't seen or talked to in a while. I smiled but hesitated for a second. In my mind I quickly had to decide if I should tell her the full  truth or tell her the easy answer. I decided on the easy answer because it's easier (lol) and I didn't want to put her on the spot with whatever emotion/reaction she may have to my truthful answer.  Here on this blog, I'm able to speak the truth. It's still tough to talk about my abuse with my voice. It's embarrassing, makes me extremely sweaty and vulnerable, and shameful all at the same time.  There's a book entitled, Perfectly hidden depression. It's a book written by Dr. Margaret Rutherford. It truly hit home for me. The book states, "Perfectly hidden depression is hiding behind perfectionism, and appearing to be fine. It's believing that if you show painful emotions you will appear weak. It'...

  I'm no artist- lol I had a mouth full of worms and saturated cotton. It was so gross and so disgusting. The cotton inhibited me from talking clearly, made me gag, and what I could get out, worms proceeded my words.    The worms were small and wiggly and all over my teeth, and I tried over and over again to get it all out of my mouth. As soon as I was successful getting some cleared out, more would fill my mouth. Then I woke up... Dreams can shake you. Memories can haunt you and when they collide, its very uncomfortable. I've been having so many uncomfortable dreams lately. Dreaming about worms in my mouth is not ok.  I've concluded that the worms in my dream represent all of my abuse. I feel that no one wants to hear it, I don't want to say it, and all of it is disgusting. The cotton, on the other hand, is a way to mute me. The cotton quiets me, chokes me, gags me and keeps the secrets. It's a war that I am growing very weary of.  Speaking of war - I fight the...

Progress from trauma comes in the form of big steps, little steps, small moves and big moves. For me, any move is accompanied by high anxiety, great fear, confusion, and doubt. I've been making big moves lately that I hope will carry me to more freedom.  I recently confronted another abuser. I didn't receive what I was hoping for from that person. That's always a blow to my psyche and my gut. Swirls of emotions occur, frustration sets in, and anger hits. Taking a chance, like confronting, takes my super power strength. I literally feel ill, nauseated, and second guess my intentions prior to it. You see, even though I didn't get what I needed from him, I was able to speak my peace. I was able to tell my side. I explained the way I was affected, and how his abuse still affects me. I left feeling a bit numb and needed time to process it all.  This situation took some twists and turns that were also very hard to process. Nothing about this is easy.  I released some mental w...

This blog - my perspective - my views - my pain - my suffering - my outlet - and STILL, I can't completely be forthcoming and honest with this whole, ugly situation.  Secrets - It's what got me here. It's what keeps me here.  Sacrifices - what I feel like I'm doing or maybe what I actually am. Denial - What some people stay in to cope. Causes pain to others; the untruth that's maybe too ugly to face.  Silence - protection, fear, keeping some in a fixed position. When my abuse began when I was very young, I never would have thought that it would affect so much - becoming so intertwined in so many facets of my soul and life. I often wonder how my cognitive thinking would be, my trust levels, my freedom to feel my emotions, and my ability to express myself would be if I wasn't so conflicted in the innermost places of myself.  I'm sick of the abuse making me feel inadequate as a christian, a wife, a mother, a sister and a friend. Again, my p...

The Friday before Mother's Day, 2 years ago, I found myself in a different place. I had given up on my life and situation, made bad choices, and was PEC'd to a Mental hospital for 5 days. How's that for an opening sentence! I'm reminded of how dark and low I was. I'm reminded of feeling hopeless, feeling that I would be better off dead. I had succumbed to depression so bad that I had no defenses to fight it off - and I didn't want to fight anymore. Some say that this is selfish. I say that when you are that low and in that moment, you just want your pain and suffering to end.  I remember the ER triage nurse being kind. I remember her not having any judgement towards me and I remember her treating me with respect. She encouraged me to "always be honest so that my caregivers could provide the best care possible to me". I never forgot that. I remember the psych ward upstairs at OLOL. I remember large guards escorting me there. I remember...

Covid-19 is leaving its mark in so many ways.  Here's hoping the quarantined ones are staying sane at home and the essential workers are staying safe at work. It's weird working at a hospital that usually looks like a bustling city street of people in it's halls to more of a ghost town from an old western movie with tumbleweeds. So many changes, so much uncertainty, so many challenges and it saddens me. Nothing is the same right now, except for Jesus! Amen for that!  Sunday's scripture from my church: John 16:33 ~ "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." If this verse isn't appropriate, I don't know what is. Faith over Fear!! My therapy sessions are over the phone, zoom, or doxy.com right now and that's weird. I'm absolutely thankful for the ability to have these options though. For me, my challenges are being vulnerable, shar...