Friday, August 16, 2019
It's a catch 22...
Seems like everyday, more and more cases of sexual abuse are coming to the surface. Victims are stepping out of their comfort zone for the sake of their mental status, reaching a feeling of necessity to surrender their secrets. I've read that the average age of a victim to come forth independently is in and around their 40-50's. I have also seen increased publicity on offenders of sexual crimes with children. It's so sick. As a victim, every news story of these crimes hurts. I feel sadness for the victim. I know what they are, and will, be facing and I know the repercussions of abuse.
I saw my therapist today. It's still so challenging for me. Sitting a few feet away from her while talking about sexual acts that took place when I was a young girl steals contentment, joy, and throws me out of whack. It's a catch 22 - not talking about it leads to pain and talking about it also leads to heartache. This is followed by getting in your car, driving home to your family and carrying on with everyday life. On the surface, I can be/appear content most days but there is also the underneath part of me that battles a very heavy, layered, deep-seeded burden full of shame and guilt. Unfortunately, its a burden that I feel like I can't fully disclose.
I've been called rigid, hard headed, and private. I am! I realize this blog is wide open but its the outlet for me to express myself comfortably. Expressing myself face to face with someone is super difficult for me. My inner voice tells me that no one wants to hear about that, that I will be judged, the shame is too big, it will upset them - and on and on and on. These are preconceived notions that I have, stemming from years of concealing and lack of self appreciation. It makes group therapy a challenge. I'm working on it. When I think of my support system, I can only smile. It's huge, strong, and powerful. BUT, for me, when it comes to dealing with fragile stories and feelings of abuse, it's easier to retreat and be alone. This leads to loneliness and you tell yourself that no one will ever understand or get it. I need to move from control to surrender, from protection to freedom, and move from a fragile state to empowerment. Sounds so easy and seems achievable, yet it's so hard.
In Christ alone, my hope is found.
It's all about faith and it's all about trust. May I never forget that!
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