Humble Pie

Happy Mother's Day 2019! This Mother's day is a bit different than last year. I was out of commission for Mother's day in 2018 due to being inpatient. Today, I woke up to hugs, presents, and at home. I spent the day attending church and taking Mother's Day pictures for church families after church services today. Our church blesses Moms with family photos on Mother's Day (I love my church). I visited with my mom and spent a lot of time on my front porch swing listening to music and hanging out with my crew. I've received texts from beautiful friends wishing love and happiness on this special day for Mothers. It's been sweet. Last year -  I had to cancel, last minute, as one of the photographers for Mother's Day portraits for my church. Last year - I visited with my mom on Mother's day while having to sit across from her in a cold gloomy room, monitored by attendants in a behavioral health center. Finally, the worse was not seeing my boys. ...

My heart tells me when to blog again. I personally feel like I get cues or hints from my surroundings or from other people. As a christian, I also interpret this as the Holy Spirit leading me to speak out through this blog. Some of you may be over it. Some of you may have your own opinions on why I would write about this. Some may not even read it anymore. That's all ok. It's not required reading - lol. I do know that I continue to get confirmation that I'm doing the right thing by blogging. It's helping me and it's helping others. Since I began, readers from 10 different countries have read this blog - close to 40,000 people. I don't say this to get recognition or a pat on the back. I say this because 40,000 people feel the need to read about abuse. Close to 40,000 people feel the need to read about shame, guilt, medications, pain, depression, anxiety, therapy, psychiatry, group therapy, hospitalization and everything else hard that sexual abuse brings. T...

I've often thought, "Why in the world was I a target so many times?" Seemed like every turn I made, another predator was waiting to strike. Seriously, it's mind blowing to try and figure out. It's hard to sit back and accept. I know God didn't do this to me. I know that this world is broken, unfortunately sin driven, and warped due to free will. God didn't make us His puppets. Humans have to make decisions and choices on their own. I just happened to be around certain people who didn't make good choices at all and apparently didn't have much of a conscience. Yes, I'm bitter.  Summer 2018 Group therapy continued with it's awkwardness and mix of hurting people trying to help and better themselves. This program had their own therapists that facilitated group and other therapists (contracted I guess) who would come in and cover certain topics. One group topic was anger and I had only skimmed the surface as to why I was there in treatme...

Depression is a beast! It's a thief! It's a monster! It's a vacuum!  Abuse is long lasting! It's dirty! It's haunting! It's debilitating!  I'm just exhausted. I'm over it, I want to be done. Both depression and abuse have stolen my joy, my energy, my stamina, and my happiness.  I live on guard, rigid, and tense - just waiting and wondering when I will run into or see someone who hurt me - how I will handle it - and how I will process it afterwards. Yes I still see my abusers.  I attended a funeral the other day of one of my dear cousins and spent time in the same room with someone who was inappropriate with me. It's vicious! It's tiring. It changes you. It affects you. You slowly find yourself slipping, falling, and retreating to safety (isolation, quiet, sleep).  I focus on Jesus. I read His Word. I love people. I pray for myself and I pray for others. I try and put an honest day's work in. I work to be a good wife. I strive to be the...

Presently, I have good days and bad days and I have way more good days than bad -  I'm thankful.  For some reason, this weekend was filled with intense dreams of my perpetrators faces placed in different scenes of my present life. The nightmares are exhausting. It's awful to wake your spouse up by shouting out in your sleep. I'm in my head a lot so it's time to vent a bit... End of May, 2018 A week had passed being at home since my discharge from inpatient treatment and it was time to face Group Therapy. I was scheduled to be assessed and oriented on a Monday.  I was so nervous and so anxious about what would be expected of me. This facility is located in Baton Rouge and I had passed it a million times in my life but never even noticed it. I parked in the wrong lot, grabbed my purse and walked to the office. I immediately started sweating. I entered and was welcomed and I was taken to a private office where a social worker and I had a conversation about why...

I'm struggling today so I thought I'd blog. I'm not sure if it's the healthy thing to do when you feel low but it's what my heart wants to do so... I'm frustrated that I'm even feeling low. I just spent the entire weekend at a conference with amazing live christian music, surrounded by 1000's of people who love Jesus and dynamic speakers who can bring a message like no other. I came home on a high, feeling like Superwoman. Then......BAM. I became engulfed by my insecurities, my fears, my thoughts, my short-comings, my shame and my guilt. The Devil is vicious! He want's to steal, kill and destroy any and all believers in Christ. This takes me back to the day I got home from the Behavioral Health Hospital on May 15th, 2018. I remember feeling glad to be home, glad to bathe in my big tub, glad to be surrounded by my family and glad to sleep in my bed. When morning came, I tried to do normal things and I tried to feel normal. Since I was 7 years ...

Restlessness, uneasiness, impatience, anger, fear and sadness! That's what I went to bed with.  Then, in the middle of the night, someone started SCREAMING - blood curdling screaming. It was coming from the hall way and I was trying to figure out if I could recognize the voice. In that moment I remember thinking...lives really can change in the blink of an eye. Here I am, locked up, covering my head with my covers and holding my ears shut so I don't have to hear someones death screams. What was going on? It went on for what seemed like an hour. Then, I heard a crash -then commotion - then it was over and it got quiet again. It took me a while to go back to sleep. Once I did fall back to sleep, I found myself in the midst of my nightmares - when flashbacks happen, when faces jump out at me, when darkness does its best to take me down. If I'm lucky, I usually wake myself up by yelling out, screaming or jolting myself awake.  I felt so gross. My hair was wild. I mi...

Monday - Inpatient Day 4  New day, same routine...but I was getting very antsy. My perspective was that I was not detoxing like most of the others who needed to be here for several days to fully detox and have 24/7 medication care. I was here, getting the same med I was on when I got here, going through the motions, and just doing what I was told. You weren't required to go to groups or meetings that they conducted but it looked good on your chart when the medical team discussed your case and discharge options. I attended them all, tried to participate a little, and get through the day.  I knew I wasn't healed, needed continued care but felt like I was only going through the motions here. That was my perspective anyway. I asked if I could sign myself out since my 72 hours were up and was told that it was not possible for me to do that. I was told that since I was PEC'd, signing yourself out was not an option. That was only an option to people who checked their own selves...

(May 13th - Mother's Day) I went to bed knowing that when I woke up the next morning, the realization that I was in a Psych hospital for Mother's day would be almost too much to handle. Major Depression and PTSD had taken over my life - caused by abuse inflicted on me. I wouldn't see my boys today. How would I really explain it or make it up to them? What are they thinking right now? I've always taken pride in trying to be the best mother I could be. Has this hospitalization zapped everything that I strived to be for them? Has everything that I have ever taught them been discredited? That's where my brain was...and it was Sunday - I was supposed to be getting ready to go to church, to sing, worship, and hear a message from the Lord. I was woken up at 6am again with the same routine as yesterday -  Large room, coffee, breakfast, vitals, outside smoke time and meds. There wasn't a whole lot planned on the schedule today due to it being Sunday. I trie...

(May 12th, 2018) I was awakened at 6am by a nursing assistant knocking and opening my door. I was told to get up and report to the large room with the tables and TV. When I got there, I was called out of that room to have my blood drawn. I remember feeling like a robot. Get up, go here, do this, go there - I had no emotion. I felt hollow, empty. I've tucked my emotions for so long that I still can't regulate them. I returned to the large room and started to get a glimpse of who my fellow patients were. Some had been here a few days so they had already formed relationships with other patients. Some sat alone. Some were very talkative. Some were super loud. Some had their heads down on the table sleeping. Some were yelling for coffee. I remember sitting at the table by myself, again robot-like, and someone came over and told me hello. I appreciated that. Anyone who was here as a patient was obviously not having the best go at life right now and this was reflected by appe...

I want to start out by saying that I am writing this for healing. I am writing this so I can continue to move forward in my recovery. I want to help others with similar stories as mine. You do not have to read this. I am not looking for sympathy. My identity is found in Christ. He loves me no matter what and He wants me to heal. My faith is real! That's why I write this blog. (May 11th, 2018) It was dark and the ambulance took me from OLOL to somewhere across town. I couldn't see out and I had no idea as to where I was going. I remember having extreme sadness and sparks of anger during the ride. My beautiful life -my boys - my husband - my family - my church - my friends - my job ...and I am on my way to a mental hospital because I had given up - and I'm in restraints. I'm heading there because what was done to me has caused me too much pain, caused me to completely shut down, to give up, and I had zero respect for myself.  I was extremely shameful of my ...

Goodbye 2018!! At the start of a new year, I try to reflect back on the year that is ending, hopefully feeling proud of some accomplishments and growth. If I'm honest, I have to say that I just survived one of the hardest years to date. There's not a lot of obvious reasons for me to be really proud of. There are, however, many ways God carried me through each and every day.  On May 11th, 2018 I started my work day as always but quickly became completely and utterly consumed and swallowed up with my depression from my childhood abuse. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to do therapy, I didn't want to take medicine, I didn't want to face it any more. I found myself on the bathroom floor wanting to exit this earth. I was anxious and shaking. Everything was too hard, too exhausting, and caused too much anxiety. It was too difficult, too heavy, too consuming and too depressing. I told myself that my life was not worth the fight, my kids deserved better, a...

I can confidently say that the month of May has been challenging, different, eye-opening and super difficult.  So much so, that I can't really talk about the details of it yet. I've been humbled to my core, shaken to my knees, and had to really rely on my support system.  I've been hard-headed, rigid, stoic, unemotional, detached, and passive about my abuse lately. By being this way, it has only gotten me to an unhealthy emotional place. If I was an open cusser, one particular word would be used right now to describe how I feel about the last few weeks.  With that said, something cool happened in church today.  When I walked in to church this morning, I was greeted by a beautiful person and a great big hug from them. They then told me that because of this blog, they were able to finally forgive someone who abused them in the past. AMEN! This crappy, (feels like) unending painful subject that I blog about has brought a deserving person to forgiveness. This victor...

 If I'm going to continue to be honest, I have to admit that I'm still struggling. I don't expect complete peace with my situation or complete freedom. I do expect Christ to be by my side as I strive for these things but I just believe that my past, and the memories from it, are as much a part of me as my DNA is. This makes me sad. Do I have to wait till I get to Heaven to have true peace?  People ask me, "how are you doing?" I want to be able to say, "GREAT"! The truth ~ I'm not. I should be great but I'm just "OK". This is the frustrating part about all of this. My faith is strong, my family is beautiful, my home is comfortable, my job is fulfilling, and I'm surrounded by love. We have life's normal struggles but life is sweet. I feel so guilty that I'm not able to look past the abuse and depression and just move on. Am I ok? YES! Have I been better? YES!  I feel like God is taking me all apart, shuffling things around...

Since I started this blog, I have been blown away by the amount of  private messages, responses, letters, and conversations I have had with people who can relate. They are either victims themselves, mothers of victims, relatives of victims, or friends of victims. It's mind blowing!!!  My therapist has stressed to me for 5 years that I have tremendous strength. I've never felt it. Still struggle with believing this.  With that said, I do not hesitate to believe that all who have reached out to me, as victims, are some of the strongest people I know. There's not an inkling of doubt in my mind that you ARE strong and have tremendous strength! It's easy to see strength in others. Maybe it's the self doubt that sexual abuse victims carry mentally for so long that doesn't allow us to see our own strength? I'm not sure.  As a nurse, confidentiality is one of the most important things to consider for our patients.  We are required to maintain pri...

Weeks ago when I was at my lowest, I had some time between one mental health appointment and another. I knew of a very tranquil place off of Essen that was peaceful, quiet, and beautiful.  I found myself on the front porch of an old historic home overlooking a beautiful yard, fresh with new spring blooms, fountains, and walking paths. I did some reading, praying, and thinking on the porch and decided to take a walk in the yard. My mind was calm and relaxed for a change, and I felt God's presence. I think I walked around for about 30 minutes and on my way back to the porch, there it was. My next step would have been on a very large snake in the grass, right in the middle of the yard. My next move was to high-step it quickly to the porch while saying, "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God". I had to calm down enough to watch it sliver away in a brushy flower bed. I absolutely needed to know which direction it went in so I wouldn't stumble on it again. Yuck, I hate snakes - any ki...