Humble Pie

Have you ever tried forgiving someone who wasn't sorry? Someone who showed NO remorse? This has been my struggle for years, and still is. I attempted confrontation in the past and got NOTHING. How can I claim to be a christian woman and not show forgiveness? BIGGEST. STRUGGLE. EVER!  In Matthew 6:15 it says, "But if you do not forgive others their sins, neither will your Father forgive your sins ." I don't consider myself an unforgiving person but I do know that I just can't forgive my offenders yet. I know that showing forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior, it prevents their behavior from destroying my heart. Forgiveness is for me! I know this, I know this, I know this! I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. Today I'm angry. I could punch through a wall, break glass, and scream because I woke up today with Shame and Anger controlling my day. I'm sick of it. My sons don't deserve this, my husband doesn't deserve t...

The internal battle with myself began when I was about 12 years old. I started teaching myself the art of control - control your emotions, pretend you are ok, and look like you have it all together. I stayed busy with school events, plays, softball, and I was a member of a singing and dancing group. All of these things kept me busy, occupied, and allowed me to stuff my feelings and thoughts deep within me. I was shiny and happy on the outside but dirty and devastated on the inside.  I got REALLY good at pretending. Maybe I should have been an actress - lol.  Honestly, I had some really dark days towards the end of High School and the beginning of college. The weight of what I had inside of me was taking a toll on me. The thought of dealing with my emotions and past overwhelmed me to the point that I thought leaving this life would just be easier. My weight dropped down to 100 pounds and sadly, I thought of suicide on more than one occasion. I couldn't deal. I couldn't face ...

Five years ago I made myself start therapy. It was one of the hardest things to make myself do. I was encouraged by a sermon our Pastor spoke of in church. Essentially he spoke of being "ALL IN" in everything you do in life; how you serve, how you love, and how you live should reflect the love of Christ to others. I was paralyzed in my seat when he preached this. I could NEVER be ALL IN because I was filled with too many secrets and I was broken. Who wants to have to see a therapist? What will I have to do? Am I just weak? Surely I can just get through this alone and with prayer. Who in their right mind wants to voluntarily talk about sexual abuse?! I had to! I spent 14 months of weekly/and sometimes biweekly therapy to try and heal. My beautiful therapist and I tackled the ugly, she pulled the secrets out of me, and I came to a place where I felt successful and healthy. Don't get me wrong! That year sucked and I had to see her off and on from time to time after t...

I grew up in a middle class, loving home with structure, rules, and expectations. My sister, brother and myself are all 4 years apart in age. My sister came first, then my brother, and I was the caboose.  We were given affection, taught life's precious lessons, and received lots of love. We had chores, we played games and always put family first. We had family gatherings, BBQ's, vacations, and attended church as a family. We were always taken care of and never went without any real need. We were encouraged to succeed, that "the sky is the limit" and anything we wanted to accomplish, we could! Luckily, all three of us listened and followed our dreams to be exactly what we wanted to be in life. We are a close family - leaning on each other for strength, guidance and support. My parents are great cooks, mom kept a nice clean, organized house, and Dad took pride in the yard. This part of my life is beautiful, peaceful, and happy. Still is!  The darkness that crept in t...

Faith, love, family, friends, security! It's a pretty life that I live. One that I am super proud of. One that I thank the Lord for daily.  Oh my Jesus - where would I be without His presence in my life. Its actually too scary to think about.  I am a christian, I LOVE the Lord and my relationship with Christ is everything to me.  I've been married for 22 years to a one-of-a-kind, smart, hard working, strong man who has loved me well.  My two boys - (sappy alert) They are my heart. They are each unique and talented in their own way. They love the Lord and strive to live well in this crazy world. My oldest is 19 and is a freshman in college. He is strong, smart, and has some mad athletic skills.  My youngest is 14 and in the 8th grade. He is a master craftsman with skills way beyond his age in woodworking, blacksmithing, and computer knowledge. I am a nurse by trade and have worked at the same hospital for almost 19 years. I have what some people call "...