Humble Pie

What a gorgeous Easter day for south Louisiana! Perfect weather like our perfect God.  I'm super thankful for a great church service this morning, quality family time today, great food, and a peaceful afternoon.  My hubby's shift work schedule actually worked in our favor today.  I've come to the conclusion on a few things - the memories of my abuse will NEVER go away or leave my thoughts. Ever! That's the aggravating reality of this situation. They are a part of you, lurking in your mind and ready to strike when you are weak. We all know that we can't go through life without weak moments. It's the inevitable. So, I will focus focus focus on my learned strength, coping skills, and faith (and I keep some important phone numbers in my phone, just in case).  The other conclusion I was reminded of today is that God will NEVER go away or leave me alone either.  That's so comforting. Have you ever looked back on stressful events that you have walked th...

I went to my workplace today to turn in some paperwork and fulfill some pending duties for my return to work. I saw some beautiful faces and received some sweet hugs. I'm still lacking in feeling comfortable in my own skin.  I found myself taking the halls less traveled and praying that my stress hormones would stay in check.  I love my job, my co-workers/friends/bosses, and work environment. It's frustrating that I felt awkward, sweaty-lol, and embarrassed...but I did it. The next time will be easier, and the next, and the next, and the next. Vulnerability is hard.  If I saw you today at the hospital, God did that. For some reason, I was supposed to see your sweet face today :-) You gave me strength - thank you. I found my way back to the health club this week. I'm still having trouble getting from a seated to a standing position because I am sooooo sore but I did that too. I sat in my car for 10 minutes in the parking lot before I worked the nerve to walk in. I did ...

You truly have to put your ARMOR OF GOD on daily. The enemy is just waiting for you to fail, feel defeated, and play tricks on you. He's ready to strike at any moment and make you feel weak.  Last night I saw the faces of my abusers in my dreams. I woke up like 10 times only to fall back asleep and continue to see them. My alarm went off to get ready for church and I wanted to stay under my covers and not face the day. Then I thought, NOT TODAY, SATAN! I'm so sick of my past or the enemy getting in the way or distorting my happiness. Unfortunately, the enemy sometimes wins. Today, I showered and not only wore makeup, I wore jewelry as well. Seems small but that's happy victories for me these days. Of course, the sermon was personally relevant today. It was about vulnerability, character, and spiritual confidence. I really think it's so cool when God does that!  I've still remained close to home as I feel the most secure here. I  have decided to do some painting ...

I can breathe!  Today is day 3 of me feeling more like my old self again. I'm super hopeful and even more thankful. I can organize my thoughts and words, I wake up feeling more rested, and I actually want to have conversations with others - lol. I have more clarity, I'm more grounded, and more at peace. I KNOW this blog is partially responsible for me being more at peace. It speaks to so many but it also has been monumental in having my loved ones know my struggles more thoroughly and understanding my challenges a bit more. That is FREEING!! I have never expressed myself or shared as much of my journey with anyone but with my Therapist. Now, my husband, parents, and close family members know so much more. Liberating:-) I'm really a rookie at blogging but have found out that you can view your "audience" of people who have read your blog. I was touched and amazed at my "audience".  United States Honduras Ireland Puerto Rico Dominican Republic Me...

It's Monday morning and I woke up rested and a bit refreshed. I'll take it.  This blog has proven to be therapeutic, freeing, and insightful for me. I've got a few more things on my mind that I would like to share/put out there. It astounds me just HOW MANY people have reached out to me and shared that they were victims too. It's so so sad. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I read somewhere that 1 out of 5 girls are victims of sexual abuse. Oh. My. Goodness! This is just a crazy number and it makes me so angry! The abuser is sick, or evil,  and seems to care less about the repercussions he or she is causing the victim. Is it power that you are looking for? Is it seconds of sexual gratification? UGH! Seconds of sin are causing a lifetime of confusion and hardship. This may be hard for some of you to read but my abusers would say things like, "I love you, I love you, I love you" over and over again while the abuse took place. When I would ask w...

It's been a few days since I've posted anything. I've been doing lots of soul-searching, thinking, praying and fighting off negative thoughts.  I feel guilty when I'm not happy. I have ALL of the things that I've strived for in life - faith, love, kids, family, shelter...so why in the world would I even be sad or not content? Sooooo many people have huge struggles, bigger than this. Isn't it selfish of me to even think I have it bad? I mean, I get why, but you would think that I could overlook the bad and focus on the positive.   I'm trying.  Shout out to my care-givers! From my OB/GYN Dr. Kleinpeter, to my therapist, to my Psychiatrist, I can not say enough about you. As a patient, you walk in to their office feeling broken, embarrassed, weak, defeated, sad, shameful, dirty and unworthy and they put their expertise to work and go above and beyond to help you. I FINALLY feel HOPE again!  For someone who has stayed "in control while controlling...

I grew up in this close-knit, small community that has grown by leaps and bounds in the last 15 years. It's not even considered small anymore. A lot of the same people are here along with tons of new folks from all over different areas. Church fairs, school fairs, bingo nights, farm day, benefits, reunions, dances, Jambalaya festivals, and High School sports are just a few of the things that bring our community together. In a way, it's awesome!! In another sense, it totally complicates things for me. Everyone is intertwined around here. A lot of people know a lot of people. If I had to guess, a quarter of the people reading my blog know the "bad guys". I've gotten several comments about confronting my perpetrators. "Go scream at them, tell them how much they hurt you!"  One comment was, "No one talks about sexual abuse because they fear that it might shatter someone's reputation and that's wrong". It IS wrong and I'm here to tell yo...