Humble Pie

Goodbye 2018!! At the start of a new year, I try to reflect back on the year that is ending, hopefully feeling proud of some accomplishments and growth. If I'm honest, I have to say that I just survived one of the hardest years to date. There's not a lot of obvious reasons for me to be really proud of. There are, however, many ways God carried me through each and every day.  On May 11th, 2018 I started my work day as always but quickly became completely and utterly consumed and swallowed up with my depression from my childhood abuse. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to do therapy, I didn't want to take medicine, I didn't want to face it any more. I found myself on the bathroom floor wanting to exit this earth. I was anxious and shaking. Everything was too hard, too exhausting, and caused too much anxiety. It was too difficult, too heavy, too consuming and too depressing. I told myself that my life was not worth the fight, my kids deserved better, a...

I can confidently say that the month of May has been challenging, different, eye-opening and super difficult.  So much so, that I can't really talk about the details of it yet. I've been humbled to my core, shaken to my knees, and had to really rely on my support system.  I've been hard-headed, rigid, stoic, unemotional, detached, and passive about my abuse lately. By being this way, it has only gotten me to an unhealthy emotional place. If I was an open cusser, one particular word would be used right now to describe how I feel about the last few weeks.  With that said, something cool happened in church today.  When I walked in to church this morning, I was greeted by a beautiful person and a great big hug from them. They then told me that because of this blog, they were able to finally forgive someone who abused them in the past. AMEN! This crappy, (feels like) unending painful subject that I blog about has brought a deserving person to forgiveness. This victor...

 If I'm going to continue to be honest, I have to admit that I'm still struggling. I don't expect complete peace with my situation or complete freedom. I do expect Christ to be by my side as I strive for these things but I just believe that my past, and the memories from it, are as much a part of me as my DNA is. This makes me sad. Do I have to wait till I get to Heaven to have true peace?  People ask me, "how are you doing?" I want to be able to say, "GREAT"! The truth ~ I'm not. I should be great but I'm just "OK". This is the frustrating part about all of this. My faith is strong, my family is beautiful, my home is comfortable, my job is fulfilling, and I'm surrounded by love. We have life's normal struggles but life is sweet. I feel so guilty that I'm not able to look past the abuse and depression and just move on. Am I ok? YES! Have I been better? YES!  I feel like God is taking me all apart, shuffling things around...

Since I started this blog, I have been blown away by the amount of  private messages, responses, letters, and conversations I have had with people who can relate. They are either victims themselves, mothers of victims, relatives of victims, or friends of victims. It's mind blowing!!!  My therapist has stressed to me for 5 years that I have tremendous strength. I've never felt it. Still struggle with believing this.  With that said, I do not hesitate to believe that all who have reached out to me, as victims, are some of the strongest people I know. There's not an inkling of doubt in my mind that you ARE strong and have tremendous strength! It's easy to see strength in others. Maybe it's the self doubt that sexual abuse victims carry mentally for so long that doesn't allow us to see our own strength? I'm not sure.  As a nurse, confidentiality is one of the most important things to consider for our patients.  We are required to maintain pri...

Weeks ago when I was at my lowest, I had some time between one mental health appointment and another. I knew of a very tranquil place off of Essen that was peaceful, quiet, and beautiful.  I found myself on the front porch of an old historic home overlooking a beautiful yard, fresh with new spring blooms, fountains, and walking paths. I did some reading, praying, and thinking on the porch and decided to take a walk in the yard. My mind was calm and relaxed for a change, and I felt God's presence. I think I walked around for about 30 minutes and on my way back to the porch, there it was. My next step would have been on a very large snake in the grass, right in the middle of the yard. My next move was to high-step it quickly to the porch while saying, "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God". I had to calm down enough to watch it sliver away in a brushy flower bed. I absolutely needed to know which direction it went in so I wouldn't stumble on it again. Yuck, I hate snakes - any ki...

So, I lied. I'm posting again. Posting gets the thoughts out of my head and on to paper. Mainly, its most beneficial to get them out of my head! As strong as my faith is, darkness and deep thoughts in my mind can still affect me to the core.  Last week I was face to face with one of my abusers. This barely happens. It was surprising, definitely not planned, and I just had to deal with it. It's just not easy to tell myself in that moment, "deep breath, don't let it affect you, don't let it stir things up inside of you, and continue on". That IS what I tell myself but I'm not successful all of the time. I start sweating, I have palpitations, and I can only pray that I can keep it all together.  Sometimes the only thing I can pray is His name, ~Jesus~.  It's my reality though. I will always have a battle to beat. One minute, I'm living life with my sweet little family, then BAM! It's in my face somehow and somewhere. It becomes an internal bat...

What a gorgeous Easter day for south Louisiana! Perfect weather like our perfect God.  I'm super thankful for a great church service this morning, quality family time today, great food, and a peaceful afternoon.  My hubby's shift work schedule actually worked in our favor today.  I've come to the conclusion on a few things - the memories of my abuse will NEVER go away or leave my thoughts. Ever! That's the aggravating reality of this situation. They are a part of you, lurking in your mind and ready to strike when you are weak. We all know that we can't go through life without weak moments. It's the inevitable. So, I will focus focus focus on my learned strength, coping skills, and faith (and I keep some important phone numbers in my phone, just in case).  The other conclusion I was reminded of today is that God will NEVER go away or leave me alone either.  That's so comforting. Have you ever looked back on stressful events that you have walked th...