Humble Pie

Since I started this blog, I have been blown away by the amount of  private messages, responses, letters, and conversations I have had with people who can relate. They are either victims themselves, mothers of victims, relatives of victims, or friends of victims. It's mind blowing!!!  My therapist has stressed to me for 5 years that I have tremendous strength. I've never felt it. Still struggle with believing this.  With that said, I do not hesitate to believe that all who have reached out to me, as victims, are some of the strongest people I know. There's not an inkling of doubt in my mind that you ARE strong and have tremendous strength! It's easy to see strength in others. Maybe it's the self doubt that sexual abuse victims carry mentally for so long that doesn't allow us to see our own strength? I'm not sure.  As a nurse, confidentiality is one of the most important things to consider for our patients.  We are required to maintain pri...

Weeks ago when I was at my lowest, I had some time between one mental health appointment and another. I knew of a very tranquil place off of Essen that was peaceful, quiet, and beautiful.  I found myself on the front porch of an old historic home overlooking a beautiful yard, fresh with new spring blooms, fountains, and walking paths. I did some reading, praying, and thinking on the porch and decided to take a walk in the yard. My mind was calm and relaxed for a change, and I felt God's presence. I think I walked around for about 30 minutes and on my way back to the porch, there it was. My next step would have been on a very large snake in the grass, right in the middle of the yard. My next move was to high-step it quickly to the porch while saying, "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God". I had to calm down enough to watch it sliver away in a brushy flower bed. I absolutely needed to know which direction it went in so I wouldn't stumble on it again. Yuck, I hate snakes - any ki...

So, I lied. I'm posting again. Posting gets the thoughts out of my head and on to paper. Mainly, its most beneficial to get them out of my head! As strong as my faith is, darkness and deep thoughts in my mind can still affect me to the core.  Last week I was face to face with one of my abusers. This barely happens. It was surprising, definitely not planned, and I just had to deal with it. It's just not easy to tell myself in that moment, "deep breath, don't let it affect you, don't let it stir things up inside of you, and continue on". That IS what I tell myself but I'm not successful all of the time. I start sweating, I have palpitations, and I can only pray that I can keep it all together.  Sometimes the only thing I can pray is His name, ~Jesus~.  It's my reality though. I will always have a battle to beat. One minute, I'm living life with my sweet little family, then BAM! It's in my face somehow and somewhere. It becomes an internal bat...

What a gorgeous Easter day for south Louisiana! Perfect weather like our perfect God.  I'm super thankful for a great church service this morning, quality family time today, great food, and a peaceful afternoon.  My hubby's shift work schedule actually worked in our favor today.  I've come to the conclusion on a few things - the memories of my abuse will NEVER go away or leave my thoughts. Ever! That's the aggravating reality of this situation. They are a part of you, lurking in your mind and ready to strike when you are weak. We all know that we can't go through life without weak moments. It's the inevitable. So, I will focus focus focus on my learned strength, coping skills, and faith (and I keep some important phone numbers in my phone, just in case).  The other conclusion I was reminded of today is that God will NEVER go away or leave me alone either.  That's so comforting. Have you ever looked back on stressful events that you have walked th...

I went to my workplace today to turn in some paperwork and fulfill some pending duties for my return to work. I saw some beautiful faces and received some sweet hugs. I'm still lacking in feeling comfortable in my own skin.  I found myself taking the halls less traveled and praying that my stress hormones would stay in check.  I love my job, my co-workers/friends/bosses, and work environment. It's frustrating that I felt awkward, sweaty-lol, and embarrassed...but I did it. The next time will be easier, and the next, and the next, and the next. Vulnerability is hard.  If I saw you today at the hospital, God did that. For some reason, I was supposed to see your sweet face today :-) You gave me strength - thank you. I found my way back to the health club this week. I'm still having trouble getting from a seated to a standing position because I am sooooo sore but I did that too. I sat in my car for 10 minutes in the parking lot before I worked the nerve to walk in. I did ...

You truly have to put your ARMOR OF GOD on daily. The enemy is just waiting for you to fail, feel defeated, and play tricks on you. He's ready to strike at any moment and make you feel weak.  Last night I saw the faces of my abusers in my dreams. I woke up like 10 times only to fall back asleep and continue to see them. My alarm went off to get ready for church and I wanted to stay under my covers and not face the day. Then I thought, NOT TODAY, SATAN! I'm so sick of my past or the enemy getting in the way or distorting my happiness. Unfortunately, the enemy sometimes wins. Today, I showered and not only wore makeup, I wore jewelry as well. Seems small but that's happy victories for me these days. Of course, the sermon was personally relevant today. It was about vulnerability, character, and spiritual confidence. I really think it's so cool when God does that!  I've still remained close to home as I feel the most secure here. I  have decided to do some painting ...

I can breathe!  Today is day 3 of me feeling more like my old self again. I'm super hopeful and even more thankful. I can organize my thoughts and words, I wake up feeling more rested, and I actually want to have conversations with others - lol. I have more clarity, I'm more grounded, and more at peace. I KNOW this blog is partially responsible for me being more at peace. It speaks to so many but it also has been monumental in having my loved ones know my struggles more thoroughly and understanding my challenges a bit more. That is FREEING!! I have never expressed myself or shared as much of my journey with anyone but with my Therapist. Now, my husband, parents, and close family members know so much more. Liberating:-) I'm really a rookie at blogging but have found out that you can view your "audience" of people who have read your blog. I was touched and amazed at my "audience".  United States Honduras Ireland Puerto Rico Dominican Republic Me...