Humble Pie

 If I'm going to continue to be honest, I have to admit that I'm still struggling. I don't expect complete peace with my situation or complete freedom. I do expect Christ to be by my side as I strive for these things but I just believe that my past, and the memories from it, are as much a part of me as my DNA is. This makes me sad. Do I have to wait till I get to Heaven to have true peace?  People ask me, "how are you doing?" I want to be able to say, "GREAT"! The truth ~ I'm not. I should be great but I'm just "OK". This is the frustrating part about all of this. My faith is strong, my family is beautiful, my home is comfortable, my job is fulfilling, and I'm surrounded by love. We have life's normal struggles but life is sweet. I feel so guilty that I'm not able to look past the abuse and depression and just move on. Am I ok? YES! Have I been better? YES!  I feel like God is taking me all apart, shuffling things around...

Since I started this blog, I have been blown away by the amount of  private messages, responses, letters, and conversations I have had with people who can relate. They are either victims themselves, mothers of victims, relatives of victims, or friends of victims. It's mind blowing!!!  My therapist has stressed to me for 5 years that I have tremendous strength. I've never felt it. Still struggle with believing this.  With that said, I do not hesitate to believe that all who have reached out to me, as victims, are some of the strongest people I know. There's not an inkling of doubt in my mind that you ARE strong and have tremendous strength! It's easy to see strength in others. Maybe it's the self doubt that sexual abuse victims carry mentally for so long that doesn't allow us to see our own strength? I'm not sure.  As a nurse, confidentiality is one of the most important things to consider for our patients.  We are required to maintain pri...

Weeks ago when I was at my lowest, I had some time between one mental health appointment and another. I knew of a very tranquil place off of Essen that was peaceful, quiet, and beautiful.  I found myself on the front porch of an old historic home overlooking a beautiful yard, fresh with new spring blooms, fountains, and walking paths. I did some reading, praying, and thinking on the porch and decided to take a walk in the yard. My mind was calm and relaxed for a change, and I felt God's presence. I think I walked around for about 30 minutes and on my way back to the porch, there it was. My next step would have been on a very large snake in the grass, right in the middle of the yard. My next move was to high-step it quickly to the porch while saying, "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God". I had to calm down enough to watch it sliver away in a brushy flower bed. I absolutely needed to know which direction it went in so I wouldn't stumble on it again. Yuck, I hate snakes - any ki...

So, I lied. I'm posting again. Posting gets the thoughts out of my head and on to paper. Mainly, its most beneficial to get them out of my head! As strong as my faith is, darkness and deep thoughts in my mind can still affect me to the core.  Last week I was face to face with one of my abusers. This barely happens. It was surprising, definitely not planned, and I just had to deal with it. It's just not easy to tell myself in that moment, "deep breath, don't let it affect you, don't let it stir things up inside of you, and continue on". That IS what I tell myself but I'm not successful all of the time. I start sweating, I have palpitations, and I can only pray that I can keep it all together.  Sometimes the only thing I can pray is His name, ~Jesus~.  It's my reality though. I will always have a battle to beat. One minute, I'm living life with my sweet little family, then BAM! It's in my face somehow and somewhere. It becomes an internal bat...

What a gorgeous Easter day for south Louisiana! Perfect weather like our perfect God.  I'm super thankful for a great church service this morning, quality family time today, great food, and a peaceful afternoon.  My hubby's shift work schedule actually worked in our favor today.  I've come to the conclusion on a few things - the memories of my abuse will NEVER go away or leave my thoughts. Ever! That's the aggravating reality of this situation. They are a part of you, lurking in your mind and ready to strike when you are weak. We all know that we can't go through life without weak moments. It's the inevitable. So, I will focus focus focus on my learned strength, coping skills, and faith (and I keep some important phone numbers in my phone, just in case).  The other conclusion I was reminded of today is that God will NEVER go away or leave me alone either.  That's so comforting. Have you ever looked back on stressful events that you have walked th...

I went to my workplace today to turn in some paperwork and fulfill some pending duties for my return to work. I saw some beautiful faces and received some sweet hugs. I'm still lacking in feeling comfortable in my own skin.  I found myself taking the halls less traveled and praying that my stress hormones would stay in check.  I love my job, my co-workers/friends/bosses, and work environment. It's frustrating that I felt awkward, sweaty-lol, and embarrassed...but I did it. The next time will be easier, and the next, and the next, and the next. Vulnerability is hard.  If I saw you today at the hospital, God did that. For some reason, I was supposed to see your sweet face today :-) You gave me strength - thank you. I found my way back to the health club this week. I'm still having trouble getting from a seated to a standing position because I am sooooo sore but I did that too. I sat in my car for 10 minutes in the parking lot before I worked the nerve to walk in. I did ...

You truly have to put your ARMOR OF GOD on daily. The enemy is just waiting for you to fail, feel defeated, and play tricks on you. He's ready to strike at any moment and make you feel weak.  Last night I saw the faces of my abusers in my dreams. I woke up like 10 times only to fall back asleep and continue to see them. My alarm went off to get ready for church and I wanted to stay under my covers and not face the day. Then I thought, NOT TODAY, SATAN! I'm so sick of my past or the enemy getting in the way or distorting my happiness. Unfortunately, the enemy sometimes wins. Today, I showered and not only wore makeup, I wore jewelry as well. Seems small but that's happy victories for me these days. Of course, the sermon was personally relevant today. It was about vulnerability, character, and spiritual confidence. I really think it's so cool when God does that!  I've still remained close to home as I feel the most secure here. I  have decided to do some painting ...

I can breathe!  Today is day 3 of me feeling more like my old self again. I'm super hopeful and even more thankful. I can organize my thoughts and words, I wake up feeling more rested, and I actually want to have conversations with others - lol. I have more clarity, I'm more grounded, and more at peace. I KNOW this blog is partially responsible for me being more at peace. It speaks to so many but it also has been monumental in having my loved ones know my struggles more thoroughly and understanding my challenges a bit more. That is FREEING!! I have never expressed myself or shared as much of my journey with anyone but with my Therapist. Now, my husband, parents, and close family members know so much more. Liberating:-) I'm really a rookie at blogging but have found out that you can view your "audience" of people who have read your blog. I was touched and amazed at my "audience".  United States Honduras Ireland Puerto Rico Dominican Republic Me...

It's Monday morning and I woke up rested and a bit refreshed. I'll take it.  This blog has proven to be therapeutic, freeing, and insightful for me. I've got a few more things on my mind that I would like to share/put out there. It astounds me just HOW MANY people have reached out to me and shared that they were victims too. It's so so sad. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I read somewhere that 1 out of 5 girls are victims of sexual abuse. Oh. My. Goodness! This is just a crazy number and it makes me so angry! The abuser is sick, or evil,  and seems to care less about the repercussions he or she is causing the victim. Is it power that you are looking for? Is it seconds of sexual gratification? UGH! Seconds of sin are causing a lifetime of confusion and hardship. This may be hard for some of you to read but my abusers would say things like, "I love you, I love you, I love you" over and over again while the abuse took place. When I would ask w...

It's been a few days since I've posted anything. I've been doing lots of soul-searching, thinking, praying and fighting off negative thoughts.  I feel guilty when I'm not happy. I have ALL of the things that I've strived for in life - faith, love, kids, family, shelter...so why in the world would I even be sad or not content? Sooooo many people have huge struggles, bigger than this. Isn't it selfish of me to even think I have it bad? I mean, I get why, but you would think that I could overlook the bad and focus on the positive.   I'm trying.  Shout out to my care-givers! From my OB/GYN Dr. Kleinpeter, to my therapist, to my Psychiatrist, I can not say enough about you. As a patient, you walk in to their office feeling broken, embarrassed, weak, defeated, sad, shameful, dirty and unworthy and they put their expertise to work and go above and beyond to help you. I FINALLY feel HOPE again!  For someone who has stayed "in control while controlling...

I grew up in this close-knit, small community that has grown by leaps and bounds in the last 15 years. It's not even considered small anymore. A lot of the same people are here along with tons of new folks from all over different areas. Church fairs, school fairs, bingo nights, farm day, benefits, reunions, dances, Jambalaya festivals, and High School sports are just a few of the things that bring our community together. In a way, it's awesome!! In another sense, it totally complicates things for me. Everyone is intertwined around here. A lot of people know a lot of people. If I had to guess, a quarter of the people reading my blog know the "bad guys". I've gotten several comments about confronting my perpetrators. "Go scream at them, tell them how much they hurt you!"  One comment was, "No one talks about sexual abuse because they fear that it might shatter someone's reputation and that's wrong". It IS wrong and I'm here to tell yo...

I'm fighting for my dignity again. When one memory of abuse comes back up to the surface, all of them return (for me, anyways). Being a target to so many offenders, I have to wonder what in the world was I doing to ask for this? Deserve this? Invite this? It's just crazy how many times it has happened to me.  I KNOW the answer to the above questions. I did NOTHING to ask, deserve or invite this! When you are knocked down though, your strength and tenacity waver and you become weak. You start questioning things yet again. Your defenses are down and you don't feel strong, brave, and powerful because it just doesn't make sense.  I've been hibernating in my house and staying very close to home for the past 3.5 weeks. Except for baseball games that no one really knows me at, I've remained close to home where I feel the most secure.  I went to church today for the first time in 3 weeks. I love my church and I'm glad I went but it was hard. Making eye contact ...

Where does sexual abuse occur?  You would be surprised. For me, it occurred in a yard, behind a shed, in living rooms, in bedrooms, at a "friends" house, on a bus, at an arcade. I trusted some offenders but not all. Some were public places, some were private places.  My point in this is not to scare you half to death but to make you aware that it can occur just about anywhere by anyone. You are now probably questioning where my parents were in all of this?! Shouldn't I have been protected? Well, they had no idea. There was no reason for them not to trust certain people, and they can't be with me everywhere I go. They did the best they could without knowing it was going on.  I have so much tension right now. It feels like my head weighs 100 pounds. It's hard to relax, even when I lay down. I've been stressing about finding the right words to pray, thinking that I should pray specifically for certain things I need God to do and fix in my life. You know what,...

Have you ever tried forgiving someone who wasn't sorry? Someone who showed NO remorse? This has been my struggle for years, and still is. I attempted confrontation in the past and got NOTHING. How can I claim to be a christian woman and not show forgiveness? BIGGEST. STRUGGLE. EVER!  In Matthew 6:15 it says, "But if you do not forgive others their sins, neither will your Father forgive your sins ." I don't consider myself an unforgiving person but I do know that I just can't forgive my offenders yet. I know that showing forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior, it prevents their behavior from destroying my heart. Forgiveness is for me! I know this, I know this, I know this! I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. Today I'm angry. I could punch through a wall, break glass, and scream because I woke up today with Shame and Anger controlling my day. I'm sick of it. My sons don't deserve this, my husband doesn't deserve t...

The internal battle with myself began when I was about 12 years old. I started teaching myself the art of control - control your emotions, pretend you are ok, and look like you have it all together. I stayed busy with school events, plays, softball, and I was a member of a singing and dancing group. All of these things kept me busy, occupied, and allowed me to stuff my feelings and thoughts deep within me. I was shiny and happy on the outside but dirty and devastated on the inside.  I got REALLY good at pretending. Maybe I should have been an actress - lol.  Honestly, I had some really dark days towards the end of High School and the beginning of college. The weight of what I had inside of me was taking a toll on me. The thought of dealing with my emotions and past overwhelmed me to the point that I thought leaving this life would just be easier. My weight dropped down to 100 pounds and sadly, I thought of suicide on more than one occasion. I couldn't deal. I couldn't face ...

Five years ago I made myself start therapy. It was one of the hardest things to make myself do. I was encouraged by a sermon our Pastor spoke of in church. Essentially he spoke of being "ALL IN" in everything you do in life; how you serve, how you love, and how you live should reflect the love of Christ to others. I was paralyzed in my seat when he preached this. I could NEVER be ALL IN because I was filled with too many secrets and I was broken. Who wants to have to see a therapist? What will I have to do? Am I just weak? Surely I can just get through this alone and with prayer. Who in their right mind wants to voluntarily talk about sexual abuse?! I had to! I spent 14 months of weekly/and sometimes biweekly therapy to try and heal. My beautiful therapist and I tackled the ugly, she pulled the secrets out of me, and I came to a place where I felt successful and healthy. Don't get me wrong! That year sucked and I had to see her off and on from time to time after t...

I grew up in a middle class, loving home with structure, rules, and expectations. My sister, brother and myself are all 4 years apart in age. My sister came first, then my brother, and I was the caboose.  We were given affection, taught life's precious lessons, and received lots of love. We had chores, we played games and always put family first. We had family gatherings, BBQ's, vacations, and attended church as a family. We were always taken care of and never went without any real need. We were encouraged to succeed, that "the sky is the limit" and anything we wanted to accomplish, we could! Luckily, all three of us listened and followed our dreams to be exactly what we wanted to be in life. We are a close family - leaning on each other for strength, guidance and support. My parents are great cooks, mom kept a nice clean, organized house, and Dad took pride in the yard. This part of my life is beautiful, peaceful, and happy. Still is!  The darkness that crept in t...

Faith, love, family, friends, security! It's a pretty life that I live. One that I am super proud of. One that I thank the Lord for daily.  Oh my Jesus - where would I be without His presence in my life. Its actually too scary to think about.  I am a christian, I LOVE the Lord and my relationship with Christ is everything to me.  I've been married for 22 years to a one-of-a-kind, smart, hard working, strong man who has loved me well.  My two boys - (sappy alert) They are my heart. They are each unique and talented in their own way. They love the Lord and strive to live well in this crazy world. My oldest is 19 and is a freshman in college. He is strong, smart, and has some mad athletic skills.  My youngest is 14 and in the 8th grade. He is a master craftsman with skills way beyond his age in woodworking, blacksmithing, and computer knowledge. I am a nurse by trade and have worked at the same hospital for almost 19 years. I have what some people call "...